Tracy's Book

I just picked up your book Tracy (last night)  at the local Library where I live in Vancouver, BC, Canada.  I was stunned and horrified at what you endured.  The thought that comes to me this morning is that if your father had done those things to a young girl  "outside of your home" and been reported and/or caught,  just once even, he would have been in jail for a very long time. (long before it came to what eventually happened)  I think we have come a long ways, dealing with all kinds of abuse in the  home, but there still seems to be a general mood in society (at least I see it is still that way) that "what goes on in the privacy of the home is nobody's business".  Just one of his sexual assaults on you would have branded him as a "dangerous" perpetrator and landed him in BIG trouble.  But, because you depended on him for your very existence .. ie a roof over your head, food, clothes etc.  you were his "prisoner" of sorts.  Your mom, was so much like my mother ... a silent partner.  My mom depended on my father for her existence too, so she allowed him to carry on ... business as usual.  She had six children (I was born before she met my step-father, she had me at 16yrs.) and no skills, grade 8 education therefore no way to support us children.  She didn't want to upset him or take the chance of confronting him ... she was afraid of him too.  We all walked on "eggshells" so to speak.   I totally related to being in that position of relying on your abusers (in my case, my parents) for life itself.  The fact that it is "family" and it happens in the privacy and so called "sanctity" of the home seems to change society's attitude.  Your father was a very disturbed man as was my step-father.  Who knows what demons went on in their heads?  But, just because one has demons does not give them a ticket to hurt others in such a devastating way.  It sounds like the alcohol was the fuel that lit the fire of his rage and sadistic behaviour.  I certainly remember alcohol on my step-father's breath when he sexually abused me.  Not that it is an exuse .. but alcohol is well known to lower people's ability to make good judgments and in your dad's case,  it did alot more than that.  I think it lowered his abilty to be a human being with any compassion or morals at all. 

I can remember being in our home after an attack by my step-father and thinking "why isn't anyone helping me/us .. can't they see what is going on?  Or, after witnessing him beat one of my 1/2 siblings, and me comforting them afterwards ... thinking ... someone will see what is going and help  us soon.  But, noone ever did ... his own brother (my Uncle) witnessed him beat my brother severely .. my brother was only 6  or 7 and he held him up in the air by his feet and beat him mercilessly with his belt.  My uncle sat at the kitchen table and said nothing, did nothing.  Just kept right on with his visit after the beating was over, as though nothing was out of order.

I know you have forgiven your father Tracy as I have forgiven mine but there are alot of days that I feel forgiveness is not deserved.  I was told that forgiveness would give me some relief and freedom and I guess it has.  It allows me to let go of some of the rage and anger I carried for so long. Feelings that I turned against myself.  I am so sorry that noone ever  helped you and your sister in any real way until it finally came to what it did.  I can definitely understand how it ended that way ... I really do feel you didn't think you could ever get away from him and be safe.  When someone tells you that for many years over and over you start to believe it. 

I am so happy for you that you have a new life and a chance to start over.  You deserve it.  You have already done alot towards helping others and making a difference Tracy.  Your website is a wonderful resource.  I have never found anything like it before.  To be able to get the feelings out of me and onto my computer screen is so therapeutic for me.  Noone to judge me for my feelings and thoughts.  It is a safe harbour.