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FEELING LOST

Sun, 02/19/2012 - 07:23 — Sue

Feeling like I'm on auto pilot,not sure where to go or what to do. Trying so, so hard to battle the evil in my head,but not feeling like I'm winning at all. It just never stops. I dream about it,I see it when I'm awake,it is always there. In the last two months or so,with the help from my therapist,for the very first time in my life,I was able to sleep. I was sleeping 5-6 hours a night with no nightmares,not waking up feeling like I'm fighting for my life,I felt rested,now,now when I sleep I have the nightmares and I'm not waking up from them,instead all I do is repeat them as I sleep all night long. This is one more thing my brother is steeling from me yet again. As soon as I get up I start to flash,and with these flashes I feel like I'm falling backwards in time. Like I'm battling between my life when I was a child that I can't remember ,yet it feels like its trying to come out,and the present life I live that I only sorta remember. There is a very helpless feeling with this because , I can't stop it. It is a process I have to go through when all my crap becomes active in my head. I have sat here the last few days just wondering, who the person was that died the day my brother touched me. Who would she have been now had he not murdered her. I'll never know,and, she wasn't his to touch or kill. Too many questions that may never be answered. Just not sure where to go,or even if there is somewhere to go, there is a deeply helpless feeling with this. Like I'm backed in the corner and I'm trying so dam hard to fight my way out,who will win?????????

Comments

Wed, 02/22/2012 - 19:03 — jjmom68

Keep being strong and keep doing the deep breathing that we were talking about before....just keep in mind that you have the strength to continue in your life! I have been trying to deal with all the memories too and the only thing that helps me is waking up and writing it all down. I put it to the side and go back to sleep. Maybe try that and see if that helps you?

Wed, 02/22/2012 - 20:04 — Sue

First of all,it's SO good to hear from you!!!!!! I just saw my dad at the hospital and I gotta say,wow,that was hard.i have never been that close to a person I know who is dying.it kills me to see my mom cry. I love her so much,and it hurts to see that. When we came home we talked about life support,his quality of life,whether he is even gonna make it. So we are now doing a family gathering on Saturday,so,my brother will be here.i have no idea how I'm gonna deal with that,but what I will say is this,when I came home tonight and found out he is coming over,I started to get a panic attack,and I DID breath ,and it DID help,so thank you. You know,it's funny,if I am awake enough I do write my dreams down as well and it does help me as well. Writting has always been helpful for me.what I have learned out of all of this is,it's a VERY VERY LONG process to get through all our memories,but,with help and each other,I believe we can do it,TOGETHER!!!! The great POWER OF THE SISTERS!!!!!thank you so much for your input,I missed hearing from you,Sue

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.