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BREAKDOWN

Fri, 02/17/2012 - 12:33 — Sue

Well, had a hell of a day,COMPLETE breakdown in work this morning!!!!! Right IN front of my manager,someone I'm NOT safe with. What is that??!!!!!!!! I am feeling so overwhelmed and cornered ,and by not knowing where any of this is going,unbelievably helpless!!!! I really don't know how much more I can take. I am trying so hard to keep my head above water but I feel like I'm getting my but kicked. My head is such a mess!!!!! I have a terrible headache,I can't stop the stupid flashes,I am feeling so dam guarded right now.like if anyone gets too close to me,physically or emotionally,I push away.its like I'm the only one I'm safe with,even though I have a great support system,I just am pushing.WHEN WILL THIS END???????EVER?????!!!!

Comments

Fri, 02/17/2012 - 12:37 — Tina

Sometimes when so much is happening ... all that is left to do is BREATHE!  I slow down, count to 10 and take 5 or up to 10 deep, slow breaths.  Oxygen is a "natural sedative" ... it works.  Breath is life source energy.

Fri, 02/17/2012 - 21:06 — Sue

Thank you for the recomondation. My therapist and I have been working on my breathing skills,deep breathes and all, it's just that,like this morning,when you feel this broken,the breakdown just happens and you can't help it. I did breath later today and it did help,so,thanks.

Sat, 02/18/2012 - 14:48 — jjmom68

Take deep breaths and take into account of how the breakdown happened? Was there a triggering event that brought it to the surface? Go back and break the day down and let's figure out where the trigger was....sometimes knowing the trigger is half the battle on figuring out where the breakdown came from. This may help you figure out how to avoid future breakdowns in front of a person you don't feel safe in front of. Also, how can you work in a place where you don't feel safe? Is that really beneficial for your mental health, or do you think that maybe you should take a lil bit of added stress for a couple days and try to find a new job? Best of luck...you are a courageous woman and I don't know why you had the breakdown, but I can only hope it gets better for you!

Sat, 02/18/2012 - 17:43 — Tina

When I make a comment to a sister on this site, I share my experiences, and what I have done that works for me.  It may not work for others.  I certainly am not a therapist and I don't have the answers for other women on this site.  All I can do is share my journey. 

Sat, 02/18/2012 - 20:46 — Sue

Tina, I do understand what you are saying,and your own experience,well, it could make a difference in someone's life here. I appriciate your sharing your experiences with me,I realize your not a therapist. I am in therapy and one of the things we are working on is me learning how to breath in crisis ,but sometimes,most times I forget to stop and breath. Please continue to share your journey with us and thank you for your input.

Sun, 02/19/2012 - 11:44 — jjmom68

I was letting Sue know what works for me and building on what we have talked about on other posts...

Sat, 02/18/2012 - 20:41 — Sue

Thank you again for your support. My trigger to my breakdown basically is, my brother. The battle I have in my head right now since I saw him last weekend has been terrible. Fighting the nightmares,the flashes and ALL the feelings that go with this,on top of dealing with ALL my confusing feelings about my dad. Part of me feels SO guilty for not being here MORE for him,he seems like he might be giving up hope to live. Part of me still battles the hatred I have so deep inside of me for him,yet, he is still a human being and he still has feelings. I just am so deeply overwhelmed with all of this to the point that,to be totally honest, I thought about swallowing a bottle of pills the other day, my head just goes to such a dark place and I hate it. I had been doing so good taking care of myself, putting myself first,feeling good about ME, then all this stuff happened and knocked me on my butt. So, I was SO overwhelmed the other day that I just lost it. Right now,just talking about it,I could just start crying,which isn't me, I never cry,so ,I'm in a bad place in my head. Now,as far as work goes,in general,my work place happens to be the safest place for me. I work at an animal hospital,and I train dogs there and I've gotta say,it is my escape from my life,it is where I find peace. Who couldn't find peace playing with puppies !!!! One of my closest and longest friends works with my,and she is one of my most supportive friends I have,she has been here through some of my darkest days,NEVER walks away. What happened was, I had a breakdown with my manager, who I don't trust,who isn't safe for me,but it was a lot of pressure she put me under at the time and I felt like I was being pulled down and I couldn't take it and I just lost it. That also isn't who I am either. I am just in for a long ,very difficult time right now not knowing where this is gonna go with my dad or when I may see my brother again.

Tue, 02/21/2012 - 12:30 — gracioushealing

Sue

Would you ever be able to go on a retreat for a weekend, does your life allow for that? There are many retreat centers that don't make you pay. I know Holy Cross Monastery in West Park, NY is one of them if you can't afford to pay their rate.

I think you need some time alone, in nature, with yourself, to heal. Please don't berate yourself for your own symptoms. The worst we do as incest survivors is to turn against ourselves. I work on that every day. Do you have a teddy bear to hug? Soothing music to play at work using earphones? Are you in therapy? The YWCA offers free counseling through SACS. Not therapy but counseling. I am finding it very helpful for me right now. Please love yourself as much as you can. I am giving you a great big VIRTUAL HUG and LOVE.

Andie

Tue, 02/21/2012 - 21:22 — Sue

I wish my life would let me get away.i do have a cabin in the mountains I usually rent twice a year,but not this year. You are so very right,I do need a break,I do need some time alone ,to relax,but,with what's going on with my dad,and the fact that he probably isnt gonna make it,I need to be here to support my mom and get her through this. I still feel like I'm gonna have another breakdown,it is only a matter of time,bound to happen again,between seeing my brother and spending an ungodly amount of time with him,my confusing feelings about my dad,and needing to help my mom,it's a mess. I am in therapy and she is great.was there yesterday and felt better when I left and I have access to her at any time. She has been a great support system for my. I'm lucky I have such a great therapist.its just that I can't control when it's gonna happen,it just does. Thank you for the hugs,I do have my big furry dog that I hug all the time. I Georgous long haired German shepherd ,Whois my best friend,and she is with me all the time and she really is my life saver. I have been told I am my worse own enemy,guess they are right. Thank you for all your support and hugs and stuff. Sue

Wed, 02/22/2012 - 18:47 — gracioushealing

Dogs are great. My minister's dog loves me. I also have a cat friend who loves me. I wish you didn't have to be around the brother.

Of course it's easy to say hang in there but you've come this far so I know you can keep going. To me it sounds despite it all you are very blessed - I don't even have stable housing! And you have a lovely cabin you can rent! And I would love to have a pet of my own but you kinda need the house to house the pet in. Of course it minimizes nothing you are going through with the family dynamics and the abuse.

I don't go near my father at all and my situation allows for that. But living near him has been effing hell. I am preparing to leave as soon as I can and am speaking to someone in a community out in CA this week. I may get to move out there and get away from here. That's my brief update.

If I can survive father abuse, homelessness, hopitalizations, getting kicked out of the house, and about 30 other things, including my own brother's abusive psychotic break, then I know you can survive this. WE ARE TOUGH AS DIRT.

YOU ARE A MIRACLE.

Wed, 02/22/2012 - 20:12 — Sue

Thank you so much for your support. I know how hard you have it , I always follow your story. I may not always respond,but I always follow it. Honestly,if I could reach out and help you ,I would,I really would. I know that every time you turn around,it just seems like something goes wrong,and for that I am very sorry,but girlie,you still stand up and fight,hard. You should be so proud of yourself for that!!!!!! I truly believe that in the end,you WILL be o.k. Something WILL come your way,but again please remember,YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!!! Take care of yourself,please,for me o.k. ?

Sat, 02/25/2012 - 10:42 — gracioushealing

thank you Sue you are such a sweet good person and your comments warmed my heart and soul. i am hanging in there. i hope you are doing OK. i know it's tough going for you right now too. the comment that comes to mind is "this too shall pass".

i told another sister i went to the mall the other day and just sat. maybe you can do that too, just take a time out. watching the people passing by cheered me up and a little girl smiled at me. i never had any kids and now that i'm 40 doubt i ever will but i do like them. they are so perceptive, children. and of course i think of the pain i knew and you knew as children. and never should have known, ever.

i called my parents up on my birthday to tell them the truth, that they are alcoholics and that my father is a pedophile and that they are evil. then i hung up. i have to fight back hard so i don't fall into the trap of thinking it is my fault. they can't hide from me. i won't let them.

sad, though, right? very.

i hope you have much peace today and all the happiness you could ever want or need

 

andie

Sat, 02/25/2012 - 20:16 — Sue

I am so proud of you for telling your parents exactly how you feel!!!!!!!that is just SO incredible!!!!! You should look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself,"YOU JUST WON,YOU JUST TOOK BACK A PART OF YOU"!!!!!!! I only dream of the day I can tell my brother off. I wish I had that courage,but I don't know if I'll ever get there. That was just great!!!! Thank you for the info on the mall,I wish I could do that,but ,I like to be alone.it is safer for me.whenever I go out anywhere,I have such a guard up,I also CAN'T see kids,they trigger me so bad with flashes of my life. I also look at them and wonder how in the world can anyone ever touch a child the way we where touched. There are just too many triggers and it spirolls me into a bad place. I don't have any kids either,I just believe that if I can't take care of myself properly,why in the world would I bring a child into this world?? I can't let history repeat itself and live with myself. I am not functional ,I wouldn't. Ever be able to manage a child as well. So,keep me posted please on how you are doing and keep your head up!!!! Sue

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.