You are here

Blogs » Sue's blog

Sue's blog

One last good deed......

Sun, 04/22/2012 - 18:46 — Sue

Right before my father went into the hospital on Feb.3rd, he asked me to get him a b- day card for him to give to my mom. So,I did. Then,days later he went into the hospital,was sedated for about two weeks,we thought he was gonna die then. I asked some of my closest friends"what do I do with the card"? I wasn't sure what to do. Everyone kept telling me,give it to her anyway,even if he didn't sign it or even if he isn't here. I just didn't know what to do,then,he woke up. We had him awake with us for about another two weeks.

Still not sure what to do

Thu, 04/05/2012 - 14:22 — Sue

I am still struggling so badly with everything and I keep feeling it pulling me down more and more. The battle inside of me is just ripping me up!!!! I went to my session this week and told my therapist everything. She was very supportive. I told her how much I'm struggling with my fathers death . I told her I'm struggling more with the way he suffered and that I feel guilty that I didn't grant his last wish to come home one last time before he went back to the hospital. She wanted to try the e.m.d.r. Method with me,I was so afraid to do it ,so I didn't .

Does anyone know????

Mon, 04/02/2012 - 14:55 — Sue

I went to therapy today and it was very difficult for me to do. I now know why I don't want to do this anymore. There are a few reasons,one is,as I said before,I feel like I have no more strength. I just often wonder if my Demond's are SO much bigger than me and that I'll never beat them. So,where that's all coming from is this, I asked this question months ago and no one responded so I'll try one more time. Does anyone know what e.m.d.r. Is? Has anyone ever gone through it? My therapist specializes in this type of therapy and she feels I will benefit from it .

To all my sisters

Fri, 03/30/2012 - 20:35 — Sue

I have had such an incredibly difficult time for the last ,almost two months.

I just want to quit!!!!!

Thu, 03/29/2012 - 12:47 — Sue

I don't know if it's the way I'm processing my fathers death,or what,but I am slipping into such a very dark place again. I am feeling like I have no more strength to keep fighting. I'm done!!!!! I still struggle with his death,I still struggle with the way my feelings go from one range to another. Most of all,all I see is him in the hospital with tubes hanging out of his face. I just can't get that out of my head.

Time to try and say goodbye

Fri, 03/23/2012 - 22:57 — Sue

Tomorrow is the services for my father . Tomorrow there will be so many different emotions to have to deal with. I found myself seeing him in the hospital bed with all the tubes running out of his mouth,watching him lay there and feeling so deeply sad that this is the only peace he has ever had and knowing he will never come home again. I also found myself watching him sitting here at the house after just walking into the kitchen,struggling to breath,struggling to settle down,once again feeling sad for him.

My feelings for my dad

Thu, 03/22/2012 - 21:58 — Sue

Im not sure exactly where I should start. I know I have been writting a lot about this and may repeat myself. I cryed a lot today and the closer I get to my fathers services, the more difficult this becomes. The other night in work,I saw my dad laying in the hospital bed,sedated with tubes down his throat,and I had to walk out because it was so difficult to look at. I keep seeing that. I then feel so sad for him,this is so permanent,death is,I start to think about how he will never see my mom again,how she will never hear him say "I love you",I see him In the living room watching t.v.

My anger is so so deep

Wed, 03/21/2012 - 05:01 — Sue

I am still struggling so much with my anger towards my father. A part of me feels so deeply guilty for feeling such deep anger,but it is just there. This entire process of his death has been such a difficult,extreme range of emotions to go through. Talking to one of my brothers last night,who was also beat badly by my father and treated like dirt,kept saying,"at least dad gave us a roof over our heads and clean clothes and food on the table,he had no education,he did the best he could do.

It's over

Sat, 03/17/2012 - 07:14 — Sue

Well,took dad off life support yesterday,it only took 20 mins for him to go. I still go from such anger towards him because of all he did ,to such a deepend sadness that he will never walk this earth again,never see my mom again,never see his grandchildren again. I know, even with all the beatings and emotional abuse he did,I know he loves me. He never said he loved me,until last summer when he almost died then, he also said it again this time. He has told me how much he apriciated all I have done for him and my mom all of these years. I am very very sad for my mom.

An incredibly difficult day!!!!!!!

Fri, 03/16/2012 - 04:47 — Sue

Well, today is the day we pull dad off life support. This has been an incredibly difficult thing to deal with,a roller coaster of emotions from such a deepend level of anger and hatred as well as such a deepend level of empathy for my father. Thank you to my therapist for helping me understand why I felt such different feelings,but,it really isn't easy feeling this way. For the first time in years I was able to look the brother who abused me in the face the other day. Not sure why I could or what made me ,but that was in a way a good feeling.every time I see him,I see us.

Pages

Recent comments

About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.

Subscribe to RSS - Sue's blog