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Overwhelmed

Tue, 01/10/2012 - 09:14 — Stacey Lannert

Life can be overwhelming. If you think you have it rough try re-entering the world when you are 36 years old. Not an easy task I assure you, but I am proof it can be done. Today I am taking a look at all I have done since coming home three years ago...

1. Enrolled in college and will receive my associates degree in May from a junior college as soon as I finish college algebra. (Who created math and why?) Enrolled in a 4-year college and beginning to work on my bachelors degree. January 17 class starts and I will be enrolled in both schools - the one algebra class at STLCC and four classes at the 4-year school.

Tasks completed to attend school:

  • Finical aid paperwork
  • Locating all previous school records
  • Applying at various schools
  • Learning how to register for classes
  • Navigating the internet for some online classes
  • Surviving midterm and final exams (barely)
  • Creating debt - student loans
  • Determining what I want to be when i grow up

2. I have moved 4 times in the last 3 years and getting ready to move again, this time so I can attend the 4-year school. I just put an offer in on a small house in Cape, so hopefully I will know something by the end of the week. I had a hard time finding a place to rent (that I can afford) now that I have a dog.

Tasks learned:

  • How to rent a u-haul
  • How to find amazingly cheap furniture from Craig's List
  • Who your friends really are when you call them and ask for help moving Craig's List furniture
  • How to turn on gas, electric, and internet
  • How to file a police report after someone else has opened gas and electric in your name
  • How to establish credit
  • How to apply for a mortgage
  • How to make an offer on a house

3. Created this website and additional internet resources (Facebook).

  • How to rely on other people - finding someone who really knows how to navigate the world wide web really helps and I am thankful for Mark Ewers every single day (he is our webmaster here).
  • How to create a 501c
  • Allow others to help because you really can't do it alone - so thankful for Blue Cascade, Kristen, and Karen. Have no idea where I would be without their help.
  • Yelling at Facebook really does not do any good

4. Gave lectures - published a book

  • How to find a great therapist so I could survive retelling my past
  • How to create an LLC
  • How to file taxes
  • How to work with a great co-author, agent, publisher, and publicist and a great lecture agent
  • How to navigate airports, car rental agencies, and hotels
  • How to make a difference
  • Meeting new people
  • How to make friends

5. Entered a relationship - Exited a relationship

  • Never be afraid to try
  • Always be honest - even when it hurts
  • Friends are the greatest commodity you will ever have

Over the past three years I have been to numerous places, explored wondrous things, and meet wonderful people. Life has not always been easy, nor will it ever be - but it is truly best when lived fully.

Comments

Wed, 01/11/2012 - 11:34 — BlueCascade

Hi Pretty lady:)  I think sometimes we think, we aren't doing enough, that we can't live up to our own unrealistic expectations.  I love your personal inventory, I may write one of my own.  Reentering a world you haven't lived in for 18 years, had to be daunting.  Your life, was put on hold, but I believe you truly started living again, while you were in prison.  The way you made the best, of a bad situation, tells all of us, that we can live, make choices, and not let ANY situation dictate to us, who we are, or what we stand for.

Your young adulthood, was spent in a place that was, in some ways, more simple than what you live with today.  It is hard to navigate living, for those of us who have lived, with literal freedom, (even if we felt figuratively locked up), our entire lives... I can only imagine how difficult it is for you, at times.  I admire you Stacey, and I have from the first day I read your story.  You are taking life, by the horns, and truly living as well as you can.  I love reading about what you are up to.  Your courage will always be an inspiration to me.  I hope your next adventure is better than the last... and the next, and the next, and the next.  Thank-you for taking us, Healing Sisters, along for the ride:) 

Wed, 01/11/2012 - 15:56 — chocoholic

I was overwhelmed just reading all of that!  You have done an amazing job and I hope by looking at that list that you see how far you've come!!  I'm 46 and to do any of that now would scare me to death.  I have thought about school but I am just not sure what to do.  I'm more creative but I procrastinate.  I hate math and algebra as well.  I have never needed anything that I learned in algebra.  I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished!  Thanks so much for having this site and having all of your helpers here as well.  Great job!!

Thu, 01/12/2012 - 14:04 — Mercurial

Stacey, I never had any doubt concerning what you could accomplish once you obtained your freedom. I'm impressed but not surprised. Keep on this courageous path.

 

Fri, 01/13/2012 - 21:42 — Bg3370

Hi Stacey, You are an amazingly strong, wonderful, caring person. Happiness and joy to you this new year and many more to come. -Bob

Sat, 01/14/2012 - 21:59 — Melly

I haven't yet read all of your blog posts but plan to read then and the blogs of other members.

I have also made a short initial blog post and sent a bit of my story into the blogosphere and tonight I feel a fraction lighter for having done so.

I think my bit of reading here tonight is all I can mentally manage for one night so I am off to bed with a book and hopefully a long sought after good night sleep.

I could not log off however without thanking you. For your story. For your honesty. For your voice. For your gift of a place for those of us who have lived in shadows of pain and guilt and shame and pain when we simply ached for a place to speak our own truths.

Blessed be.

With gratitude that is boundless.

Sun, 01/15/2012 - 02:35 — MoMofSix31

You are a "SHERO" in my eyes. You have come a long way, so keep on going. You are a great role model. You are doing more then alot of other females out here. And trust me, everything will start getting easier. GO GIRL!!! You have my support, I will be praying for you. Congratulations on all your future endevours, because you Ms. deserve every good thing that is coming your way.     Yours Truly,

                                                                                      A NEW FRIEND :)

Sun, 01/15/2012 - 18:00 — lilpea

Hi Stacey,

I saw your segment on 20/20 TLC last night and all I can say is Im proud of you. You have suffered a long time and now you can live a strong and happy life. I thought about doing the same thing but didnt have the guts to do it, my father molested me all my childhood. He told me to NEVER say anything because nobody would believe me so I didnt because he made me scared. To this day I have so much guilt from not saying anything bc he did it to someone else and if I would have said something it would have stopped there. I went on trial for the girl and I had to look him in the eye and ask him why. He got 15 to life and then I finally felt safe! That was a victory for me.

I just wanted to meet you and say Hi and say that I am proud of what you have accomplished!!

 

Sun, 01/15/2012 - 22:57 — Shay2012

I saw ur show last night and cried I cannot believe how awful that prosecuter was to you.. I just wanted to tell you thank you for your courage and strength. I love this sight you are doing such a great thing here its amazing thank you. I was molested by a family member when I was very little, i never told anyone, and then in 2009 I was raped by a bar owner. It was so scary but yet i was numb just like what u were saying. I was drugged by the man and blacked out a couple times so my memory of the night wasn't perfect but that night the officer came and never took me to a safe place just sat on the curb crying outside the dam bar as he was asking me questions the. He asked if I wanted to go to the hospital so I said YES bugi blacked out again and he took me home First I was like y r we here then he told me I had to get new cloths and then he took me to a forensic nurse examiner the. Home but never arrested the guy who did it. The next day I called the police & they had no idea of my case so I was worried then my boss told me the Sam thing happened to one of her friends and the police never did anything about it so my boss actually started a protest in front of the bar since he was never arrested then other people including my family and myself joined the protest days later but the detective didn't believe me and never turned my kit in claiming that it was consensual even though I was drugged and the guy admitted to telling my to act normal afterwards and I had bruises on my back arms and legs plus I had a tear on my vagina and an abrasion inside. Then as if that wasn't bad the guy sued me and my family and won since the defective didn't believe me. Then he wrote all kinds of lies about me on a website and in the papers it's awful. I can't understand how we are suposed to report assualts and tell our crimes to these dam prosecutors and detectives but yet they can just make u feel like a criminal instead of a victim. Oh it drives me crazy.. I was so happy when I saw that the police detective helped u it wAs nice to see that there is still real help left in the system.

Sun, 01/15/2012 - 23:30 — paints

Yes you had it rough lady!!  You really did.  I myself cannot imagine the hell of going to prison.  The thing is that you do not realize that you minimized the hurt, pain, and struggles of others by wording that the way you did.  "You think you had it rough,"  I do not in any way mean to offend you by saying this.  Seriously, I do not, but there are women and children out there who do not have what you do...and that is someone that cares about them.  There are women who never get to enter the world, because their minds were stolen from them while they were children.  You have a mother, a sister, and a man/officer who believed in you.  You have had much taken from you, but you have also had much given to you. This makes me happy for you.

Yes, your story is unique, and you had it ROUGH,  but in my humble opinion, it would be a good thing to recognise that the pain of child abuse kills.  Many have had it rough enough to take their own lives.  Many contemplate taking their own lives every day.  Many face life alone...lost in a world that doesn't give a damn about them.  Many cannot have children because of what the abuse did to their tiny bodies.  Many have severe illnesses because of what the ongoing stress of child abuse did to them.  A little more sensitivity to others would be a good thing.  I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me for writing this because my only goal is to let you know that others have it REALLY rough in their own unique way too.  I am very happy for you that you are finally getting to experience the life that you deserve!  Sincerely I am.

God Bless you and keep you~  Paints

Mon, 01/16/2012 - 00:03 — Shay2012

I hope you can find a way to deal with the pain and suffering you have had to endure. I don't think anyone is here to claim there pain is deeper or worse but yet to find some form of peace or help or relation to help to try to heal. I just became a member a couple hours ago and I just can't stop venting and reading and trying to help if I can in any way.. But I find it crazy since I Can't do this with my mom or dad or my boyfriend. I tried to take my life a few months ago and almost did I was sent from icu to suicide watch then to a mental ward. I think everyone deals with things differently and everyone needs to be Able to speak freely with support from us to help keep there mind sane and there thoughts clear and to let them know they r worth loving for who they are and that whatever happened wasn't there fault! Again I hope u r ok god bless u take care

Mon, 01/16/2012 - 01:24 — paints

Hi~  I need to make it clear that I had a hard time trying to express myself.  My intention was in no way to offend anyone, but rather to say that it is rough in many different ways.  I worry about minimizing the pain of others.  I do not know why, but that heading just jumped out at me.  I sincerely did not mean to offend anyone.

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time of it Shay.  I know the feelings of wanting to take your own life, but the thing is that you are valuable.  You are made by God and your are precious.  Please do not give your abuser more power over you.  You need to learn to love yourself.  To care enough about yourself to take care of yourself rather than harm yourself.   I wish you were able to talk to someone.  Talking is healing.  Have you tried talking to your boyfriend?  He might just surprise you.   I talked with my husband before we married and he became my greatest source of support.  His love was healing.  He became my safe place. God Bless you too babe  ~paints

 

Mon, 01/16/2012 - 09:22 — Shay2012

I know exactly what u mean I feel people do try to minimize others pain or problems when it comes to this. Thank you for your support that was very nice of you I really appreciate your kind words. I have gone to counseling, I have tried to talk to my mom but she isn't very easy to talk to she really makes it about herself like it happened to her I don't find it helpful just more like I'm defending my feelings. I did talk to my boyfriend he is such a great guy and father figure for my 2 little ones my daughter is 11 and my son is 8. But he almost gets angry about it like I cheated on him it makes him feel bad he tries to help and he saved my life he is the one who found me after I overdosed and called 911 if he would have waited I wouldn't be here. I guess this website and my victim advocate have been the best form of healing for me. I think knowing I'm not alone and hearing that these awful feelings will fade eventually someday and hearing you say we are worth it and that it wasn't our fault we didn't choose these bad events nor could we prevent them and most important those simple words "I BELIEVE YOU" makes me feel better. Knowing we can help each other feel important again is amazing all in itself. Thank you again you are a great person and just so you know I wasn't offended by you hope you didn't take me wrong I am just trying to heal or help heal.

Tue, 01/17/2012 - 00:16 — paints

Hi~  I did not take you wrong, and was very happy to see you here again.  I don't think that people mean to minimize the pain of others, I just think that sometimes we are (naturally) so caught up in our own pain that we do not stop and think.  I am guilty of it at times.

I am sorry that you feel that your boyfriend somehow acts as if you cheated.  Question...have you talked with him about the way that makes you feel?  If you are in a good relationship, then talking about those things are very, very important.  Sometimes, talking with someone else first, prepares you for those kinds of conversations.  I know that it was that way for me when I was starting out in my relationship with my husband.  We needed to talk about trust, and how certain things made me feel. I think if you make it clear to him that this bothers you ... and WHY it does, then you will have opened up a dialog that is very important to the future of your relationship.  To think that you are going to keep this bottled up ... and somehow a battle that you think you have to fight alone ... frightens me for you.  You need the support of the man you are with.  If you are not able to talk to him, then you need to learn how to babe.  Sincerely, you do.  I want the very best for you and if you are going to be happy in your relationship with this man, then the very least you can do is be open and honest with him...as hard as that may be. 

I am not a councilor, but I have been through it, and I know that the reward is great.  Communication is key to a healthy, happy relationship.

I am here for you if you ever want to talk...Paints :)

Tue, 01/17/2012 - 00:49 — Shay2012

Hi I am thankful for your help and advice. My boyfriend doesnt think that i cheated, I guess I said it wrong he gets so upset about it like he wants to beat the guy up for hurting me. but when we talk about it he gets a horrible feeling in his stomach he described it once like anger /jealousy type feeling I don't exactly know. The rape happened before we started our relationship so it's not like he really feels like I cheated on him But after he said that I stopped bringing it up. I didn't want to make him feel bad.. He is very understanding about it all I just get wierd about it sometimes I am mean to him cuz of what happened to me and I know it's wrong but I just don't know how to control the anger sometimes. I feel awful about it and I always apologize he gets it and I appreciate that so much.. I still have the nightmares sometimes he has to wake me up from them and that is nice I love him he has helped me in so many ways I just can't always explain how I feel comfortably with him. I don't think I really can face to face with anyone this is the most I've talked to anyone about my situation on this amazing website with the brave women that I can really relate with. Thank you for listening and helping me get through this it's crazy how much just talking to someone helps..

Tue, 01/17/2012 - 00:26 — paints

I Believe you!!

Sat, 01/28/2012 - 13:14 — heaven

I just saw your story on 20/20 on ID.  It is horible what you went through.  I am so happy that you get to have a happy ending so far.  Life is never easy but at least now you get to experience it!

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.