You are here

Blogs » Stacey Lannert's blog » Feeling the Pain

Feeling the Pain

Tue, 01/17/2012 - 01:38 — Stacey Lannert

Darkness is a part of our lives, it follows us, hunts us. We did not let the darkness in by choice, someone forced it onto us. We lost the ability to feel and learned how to become numb, we had to in order to survive. The nightmares, the flashbacks, and the fear remained long after the abuse ended and will last forever. Depression became our companion, a warm embrace to a cold life.

Wow that sounded dark and gloomy, so unlike me, yet always a part of me. It would be easy for me to slip into depression, bitterness, and anger. I feel them, at times they overwhelm me - or try to anyway. I have learned to accept that the negative feelings will remain forever but it is up to me if I choose to indulge them. I do not suppress them and I am not in denial. When I feel the cold shadows of pain well up within me I acknowledge them, "yes, today I feel sad" or "That memory just really took my breath away." By admitting to myself that they exist I can defeat them. "I have a right to feel __________ (angry, sad, mad, bitter) because ___________ (he raped me, she didn't protect me, I was just a kid).  Giving myself permission to have those thoughts grants me freedom, refusing to stay bound to negativity sets my soul free.

For every negative thought I acknowledge I try to follow it up with a positive thought. "I have the greatest nieces in the world" or "Henry (my dog) makes me happy" or just a silly thought - I usually sing the 'Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms' song. It is impossible to stay upset with that goofy tune floating around my head. If you ever hear me whistling it then you know the previous thought was an extremely harsh one.

We talk about establishing a ritual because we need something to pull us out of the abyss of darkness and into the light of the living. I walk in the sun and just let it's powerful healing rays shine down on my face. Some people write, others draw, some work out, some meditate. Find something that works for you, create your own ritual.

The most powerful words I have heard were from a poem a friend gave me and now I hope to give them to you - "May you never hurt your whole self when parts of you are hurting." No matter how deep the pain cuts, it is only temporary - it will pass - let it. We deserve to be free from the pain of the past. We deserve to feel present in the moment. We deserve to have hope for the future. We deserve to be loved. We deserve to be believed. We deserve to be listened to.                      

Comments

Wed, 01/18/2012 - 09:58 — Tina

Thankyou Stacey for your comments ... somehow it just touched my soul ... in a way I don`t think any words every have.  I am feeling stunned ... I guess because I have never heard anyone say so exactly what I feel and also what I need to hear.  Bless you for starting this website ... you are surely saving lives.  The quote from your friend`s poem  really resonated with me ... ``don`t hurt your whole self when parts of you are hurting``  .... I have hurt my whole self .. ie attempted suicide at least four times ... now I can remember that quote when ending the pain seems like the only way.  Because ... the pain never really goes away does it.  I really think the damage done by child sexual abuse and other kinds of child abuse goes very deep and is something that never really leaves us ... it really is a horrible crime .. and so often goes unpunished ... the offender is protected in so many ways ... especially by the family ... with secrets and lies and denial.

Chrissy

 

 

Thu, 01/19/2012 - 15:37 — nikki87

Hi

I just wanted to say thank you for this website, i have just finished you book and thought i would look at this site.

I was abused by a family member when i was 13 and i told a friend when i was nearly 15 by then it had been going on for a year and a half. The case never got to court because of lack of evedance. The rest of my family did not belive me that really hurts and i never got over any of    it. I still have flash backs of it now and i dont like being alone.

So thank you again you have made me no i am not alone and i am aloud to have the feelings that i do.

nikki

Sat, 01/28/2012 - 13:35 — jakieholmes

I am a 43 year old woman in the worst place in my life that I have been so far, emotionally. I just watched your episode on Investigation Discovery, today, updated to your release. I, also, am a victim of sexual child abuse by my biological father. I choose the word "victim", not "survivor" because I don't know how to heal. I am tormented everyday in anyway of my abuse. I don't know how to overcome it, to release it, or to let it release me. How, please tell me how to free myself! I've recently started trying to allow God in my life. I've allowed members from a local church to visit me in hopes that I can begin to trust God to heal me. I'm really lost at this point in my life and am searching for that quick fix, the miracle pill, the hand placed on my soul to heal my pain so that I don't have to live one more day of my life in misery. I feel so overwhelmed with the hurt in me that I almost feel desperate to release myself from agony.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm writing.....I'm not addicted to drugs (although I have just recently stopped abusing alcohol), I'm not suicidal.........I'm simply reaching out for help, hope, compassion, answers, anything!  So, can this site really help me?

Sat, 01/28/2012 - 14:45 — Terminator2girl

My abuse led me to the escape known as alcohol abuse/alcoholism.  I found a twelve step group and have been sober for 25 yrs.  Through the 12 step program I (in God's time) became more aware of what happened to me as a child and what also happened to me in my adult life of alcohol abuse (rape).  I knew all about therapy by this time so I found a therapist that specialized in sexual abuse and it was then that I was made shockingly aware that what happened to me as a child was sexual abuse (step father) emotional abuse (by father) and raped by a roommate while in a blackout (by a roommate).  I was 7 yrs sober in the middle of a divorce and in therapy trying to heal.  My divorce was due to the realization of what had happened to me.  I thought all of that was my fault and when it hurt I drank into oblivion.  My therapist made it clear that it wasn't my fault, none of it.  Anyway my point is the abuse happened over many years and it wont be healed overnight with a pill or alcohol.  That only pushed it further down.  At age 30 it all started coming to the surface.  I was married to a wonderful guy but one that couldnt help me and didnt deserve what I was doing to his soul so I decided I needed to leave him and hope that this didnt effect him too much.  I eventually ended up divorced and life went down hill more than up.  With my sobriety, the help of my AA friends and a lot of therapy I finally came to a point where life is not a daily dread but now most days are full of happiness and smiles.  I am sure I have more work to do but I haven't given up on myself and I keep going and fighting the demons that creep in every once in a while.  I still have about 1 nightmare a year and it is always the same one.  I deal with that because I think that is a reminder of where I was and where I am.  I don't think my past will ever completely leave my mind, heart or soul but I am no longer suffering the resentments and hate.  I am living in today and do the best I can one day at a time.  I lived in fear after being raped that I would see him and did after years of fear I was told he had a boating accident and he died.  All my fear disappeared.  My child abuse preditor is still alive so the fear still lives when I let it, he is in another state, I never see him and that has helped in my healing.  My father was my mental and emotional abuser and he died 9 yrs ago and took his abuse and my fear with him as well.  

I hope you decide to find whatever help that works for you.  God, AA, therapy and good friends helped me but it took years to get to where I am today. 

Good luck Jakie and all those that are suffering you are on the right path.  

God bless!  =)

Wed, 02/15/2012 - 19:23 — linmarie53

I watched your story on ID tonight. It is hard to talk with anyone who understands what is inside of you all your life and never goes away. I can identify with all that you say in this story with the help of a very caring therapist. It doesn't matter how much abuse or by who. As a child, there is a feeling instilled in you, a way you feel about yourself,  that will never go away. It is very hard to develop good relationships with anyone. Nobody seems to be able to give you the real love and caring that you deserved as a child and you are always looking for that. That is how it seems to me.....thank you for developing this website...a place where others are capable of understanding....

 

Wed, 02/15/2012 - 19:50 — angbikergirl

i watch her story tonite and it got me to thinking about what happen to me and my sister. I have no one to talk about what happen to us. and still have to see my abuser every day. he stays at my brothers shop. my oldest son works there. wrap your brain around this messed.

Wed, 02/15/2012 - 20:08 — sherrykay

my prayers are with you. i know the hurt and confusion.  it took many years for me to forgive what happened and so many times i thought of it and got through it as if it were another little girl that i knew and could not save.  God's Grace got me through.  i know that's what it is that helped me.  i will never understand it and it made me so overly protective of my daughters...  and sometimes it still hurts. My prayers will be for God's Grace to help you and that Peace will come and that the situation will change where you don't have to see this person again... 

Fri, 02/17/2012 - 09:21 — tartman

I just finished reading your book and I just want to say WOW!!!!!  As I was reading I would cry at times, for you and for myself....Your book touched me more than any book I have read (and believe me I have read alot of them) Your honesty and openess touched me, it was like I was reading a book about myself.  Only I didn't get to confront my abuser, he died before that... But the denial by family members, the anger and hate but also the love you feel toward your abuser it was like you were reading my thoughts and putting them on paper.  My grandfather abused me for years, he was witnessed abusing me by an aunt who told the family and she was banished.  I was asked about it and just like you I told the family "Pap pap would never do that to me" because at 5 years old you are not going to tell that secret to anyone because you will no longer be his special little girl anymore and even though as an adult I can see how wrong it was as a child I just wanted to be his special girl.  For years this went on until one day at the age of 12 or 13 I stopped it.  I told him he couldn't come into the bathroom with me anymore and he didn't.   That was it, I had found my voice...And I refused to let it happen again.  But by reading your book, it was like I was finally validated... I want to thank you for that from the bottom of my heart...THANK YOU!!!!!

Recent comments

About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.