You are here

Blogs » karen e fennell's blog » The Sound of Silence

The Sound of Silence

Thu, 02/09/2012 - 07:55 — karen e fennell

My blog last week about female perpetrators created great dialogue.  Many of you shared your own experiences and confusion as to what role important females have had in your abuse.  I think the notion that a female can harm us by not doing anything is difficult when trying to come to terms with our histories. 

I often wonder, while working with those abused by women, what went on in that woman's life to make her abusive.  I know that statistically women who have experienced abuse tend to take their pain inward and engage in self-destructive behavior, while men who have been abused project outward and are more prone to abuse others.  But are the statistics accurate?  Do the statistics reflect both active and passive roles regarding sexual abuse? Does a woman have to engage in sexual behavior with a child to be abusive? I wonder.

I worked with a young woman who was abused by both her aunt and uncle.  With the uncle, the sexual contact started soon after he began grooming her.  The aunt knew the abuse was going on and did nothing at first.  She never stepped in to protect her niece.  As time wore on, the aunt's behavior towards her niece changed.  She began to belittle her adolescent niece.  She would call her worthless and ridicule how she dressed and talked.  The aunt would scream at her niece with her face an ugly contorted mess. The aunt would throw her niece to the floor because the dishes weren't done properly.  The niece was horribly damaged by her aunt's behavior towards her.  With her uncle, she could feel his disregard, but her aunt, she could feel her rage. 

What happened there?  Was the aunt so angry at her husband for becoming sexual with her niece that she took it out on the poor child instead?  Was the aunt just as twisted as the uncle, but had not yet given herself permission to act on it?  Was the aunt coerced by the uncle?  Was the uncle coerced by the aunt?  What kind of crazy dynamic was occurring?

There have been countless young woman with whom I have worked that were abandoned by their mothers, or female care-givers, while they were being sexually abused by the men in their lives.   I had one mother send her daughter off to live with a family friend, alluding to her daughter that she couldn't have her "walking around half-dressed anymore".  I had another mother sign up for active duty in the military as a means of escaping what she knew was happening in her home.  I knew a woman who would help put her niece in the bath and then disappear, leaving the uncle alone to sexually abuse the child.  Another mother made it a practice to never leave her bedroom after 10:00, even though her husband routinely left and wouldn't come back for hours.  She knew damn well what was happening in the bedrooms down the hall, but if she just stayed in her room, maybe it would all just go away.  She could pretend that everything was okay. 

Are these women weak?  Were they abused themselves as children?  Have they been broken down by the men in their lives?   Are they relieved that they don't have to perform?  Or are they just deviants? Do they get aroused by the thought of sex going on between their child and their husband?  Do these woman fear abandonment or judgment if they step in? 

All I know is that too many women are either perpetrating this crime or they are enabling it to happen.  Either way, it has to change. 

 

Comments

Thu, 02/09/2012 - 22:41 — Stacey Lannert

Very thought provoking post. It really hits home for me. Silence can be almost unbearable. I think the denial some people have is amazing. I understand that it is a coping tool, but it is a coping tool for them. It does nothing to help the child going through the nightmare of abuse. Denial is selfish. It allows a person to place what they need above what their child needs. Most people who use denial as a coping tool are taught it by their own parent. It is another cycle we need to learn how to break and the only way we can do so is by shattering the silence! Stand for truth!

Thu, 02/09/2012 - 23:20 — Malathon

but i think you're living in a dream world.  it will never change - because you're dealing with fundamental human nature, biologically and genetically programmed responses to stimuli that are millenia old.  all the way back to cavemen.  hunter/gatherer societies.

men were born to hunt.  men were born to kill.  we are creatures of death.  it's there in the instincts of each and every one of us.  when we see something smaller/weaker than us, we chase it and jump on top of it to express our dominance.  its in bears, its in lions, its in wolves. predators.

women were born to nurture.  women were born to endure and survive.  to give LIFE !  to instinctually protect their young.  when you see something smaller/weaker than you, its your instinct to help it.  its in dolphins, its in monkeys, its in dogs.  protect what you can, but survive.  prey.

human society has become CIVILIZED - and therein likes the problem.  in days gone by, a predator would appear on the horizon, raid the outlying members until the protectors all got together and hunted it down, killing it for the betterment of the society.  now, we've become too permissive.  "learn to live WITH your predator, teach him to be a good puppy and then everyone can live happily ever after."  good idea but it doesn't work.  predators have no fear anymore, and so prey on the weak as they wish.  technology lets them move on after an attack or three, to the next place where they can do it again.  and again.  and again.

if you want to change, get rid of the laws protecting criminals.  institute laws that protect defenders from frivolous lawsuits.  enact eye-for-an-eye statutes for those lovely and brave folks that want a little vengeance.  that'll serve as the predators wake up call - and force them to relearn fear.  putting them in time-out just ain't cutting it.

or perhaps...

take a REALLY hard look at the root cause of the problem.  the messed-up nature of male sexuality.  i'd lay dollars to doughnuts that if you took the psychological profile of every predatory male and looked thru them all, you'd find common threads that would ID both predators and predators-to-be in the common population.

then steps could be taken to isolate those genetically predisposed to violence.  don't kill them, they make damn fine soldiers.  but letting the wolves have free access to the sheep is flat-out NEVER gonna end well.

i've got lots of ideas on how to fix it - i just don't think that current society will ever adopt it.  and also why myself (and so many others) hope for a social upheaval, a world shaking event that lets us degenerate into anarchy and chaos for a little while.  which will bring the wolves outta the woodwork, and let folks with my mindset "do a little housecleaning" here on earth (without worrying about laws and jails and such  :)

c'mon you mayans !!!

Fri, 02/10/2012 - 09:52 — themoonisblue

Malathon

I understand your murderous rage - but your last paragraph is damned scary. If we murder those who murdered us (the eye for an eye statement you discuss in your previous paragraphs), either as a soul murder - or assuming we were physically murdered yet could actually come back and "do a little housecleaning" - that makes us as bad as they are. The Mayans sacrificed their own children - that's horrific - you want to adopt the mindset of child abusers?? Somehow, considering your previous posts, it's hard to reconcile this side of you with your other commentary.

Go to the gym and punch the hell out of that bag. Write a short story. Don't make the mistake of playing god, or wanting to play god. Since you believe in God, you know that "vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord". Anytime we play god as humans we fail, bitterly. No human system of enacting vengeance ever turns out well, I am afraid. Which is why Christ came, to show us all a new way. If you believe in Christ, surely you don't think that the "eye for an eye" mentality is one that's going to really help us out here. And the "thou shalt not kill" thing is something I believe in, as well. I assume you must as well if you believe in God (although I am supposing not after reading this).

Then again, perhaps I misunderstand you. I'm not your conscience or your keeper. Just my response after reading what I assume you to be saying.

I believe Christ was humility. While I don't believe pedophiles can necessarily be reformed, I'm not sure that a sweeping reform and a descent into chaos and anarchy is exactly what God had in mind. I believe God will return some day, in some way - and that judgment will be enacted. I believe that people in the afterlife will have to make amends. I believe that we should do all we can to protect our children and ourselves without becoming like the predator, which is something, in my own murderous rage, I struggle not to do. I would never abuse a child - yet my rage is a lot like my perpetrator's. And that I struggle with every day to free myself of.

Fri, 02/10/2012 - 15:42 — Malathon

ahh blue, you make me laugh  :)    the mayan quote was referring to the big ole 2012 prophecy, not becoming LIKE them...

murderous rage - no, not rage.  not now.  it's more of a cold, calculating patience.  the rage comes when i learn of new abuses being perpetrated against the innocent.  then i rage.  and its not pretty.

playing God - on that count, i'm guilty as charged.  i'm just unwilling to WAIT for the eternal payback.  i'm all about righteous vengeance.  "Destroy that which is evil, so that which is good may flourish."  Boondock Saints - one of the best movies ever made.  or how about "God takes care of those who take care of themselves." - Benjamin Franklin.  If you want to look at it from a biblical standpoint, God promised to back away and not interfere in human affairs.  From a human standpoint, the parent needed to walk away and let the child walk its own path to adulthood.  He walked away and left us to clean up our OWN MESS.  

do i believe in Christ ?  absolutely.  do i follow all of his teachings ?  no.  i never believed in the "turn the other cheek" viewpoint.  JC and I went round and round over that - and we disagree to this day.  

"thou shalt not kill" was an old testament law.  doesn't apply anymore.  that was for when God took an active role in human development.  He was the judge, the jury and the executioner of the wicked.  now he left us to judge our own.  and the bleeding heart liberals have borked that up so the victims are treated like criminals and the criminals are treated like victims.

well surprise, surprise - i'm fed up with it.  so are a LOT of other folk.  i do not believe that killing the evil is a bad thing.  on the contrary, i believe its good and should be encouraged.  and the worst suffering should be reserved for those that harm children.  they should be made a public example of - to let the others know what awaits them if they continue their despicable deeds.  

why do you think God made hell in the first place ?  

i understand if you (and others) want to follow your path of hope for eventual divine intervention.  i do.  i applaud your beliefs and willpower to sit back and wait.  

i, however, cannot in good conscience sit and watch evil continue to blossom.  every day my hands are tied by the moronic laws of this land just adds more fuel to the fire, to the already white hot core thats waiting to flash out and destroy those who USE others without compassion or care for their suffering.  

you've already mentioned "hating the world, hating the people, hating God, the human race is evil, wanting to blow up the entire planet"  which, to me, is more alarming than anything i've said.  i don't want to kill the planet, the human race - nor do i hate humanity or God.  i want to HELP all the above, but i honestly believe that the best way to do that is to destroy the wicked.  truth be told, probably 80% or better of the human race are NOT evil.  they may be insular, self serving and blind to the needs of their fellow man, but ignorance is VASTLY different than wickedness.  if i could sandblast the evil off the planet, i'd do it in a heartbeat.  because we'd be a LOT closer to eden at that point.

i still have hope for man, for the world, and for God's dream of paradise on earth and happiness for all of his children.  why don't you?  are you honestly incapable of seeing the kindness and benevolence that happens around you every single day ? 

Mon, 02/13/2012 - 17:56 — themoonisblue

you've already mentioned "hating the world, hating the people, hating God, the human race is evil, wanting to blow up the entire planet"  which, to me, is more alarming than anything i've said.  i don't want to kill the planet, the human race - nor do i hate humanity or God.  i want to HELP all the above, but i honestly believe that the best way to do that is to destroy the wicked.  truth be told, probably 80% or better of the human race are NOT evil.  they may be insular, self serving and blind to the needs of their fellow man, but ignorance is VASTLY different than wickedness.  if i could sandblast the evil off the planet, i'd do it in a heartbeat.  because we'd be a LOT closer to eden at that point.

i still have hope for man, for the world, and for God's dream of paradise on earth and happiness for all of his children.  why don't you?  are you honestly incapable of seeing the kindness and benevolence that happens around you every single day ?  

Glad I made you chuckle. Not here to have an email war. Expressing feelings is quite one thing; acting on them quite another. This blog is mine to use as I see fit.

Who said I didn't have any hope? I wasn't personally attacking you. Sorry you seem to feel that way. I'm honestly capable of quite a bit, honey.

Tue, 02/14/2012 - 11:44 — themoonisblue

I think it would be best, Malathon, if we didn't comment on each other's posts anymore. I'm uncomfortable with the tone now and need to feel safe on this site. So I won't be commenting on your blogs anymore and ask that please you don't comment on mine. 

Fri, 02/10/2012 - 10:02 — themoonisblue

To all your questions: Yes. They are weak. They were abused as children. They have been broken down by their fathers. They fear abandonment and judgment and abuse if they protect their children. My mother was physically abused by her father and, so far as I can tell, had a horrific childhood. She would actually encourage the abuse. Crazy. Literally my parents are crazy, mentally ill people.

I am in pain today. 

Sat, 02/11/2012 - 08:01 — chocoholic

The sound of silence has definitely hurt me.  I feel like too many people were in denial and I wished that just one person would have said something.  I do believe it was the era though ~ because there weren't a lot of resources for people to turn to when I was growing up.  People didn't know what to do and what would happen if they did.  

When you talked about your patient who was abused by the aunt and uncle, I felt like you were talking about me.  I had a very similar thing happen with me.  Every summer for two weeks, my mom would send my brother and I to my brother's grandparents.  We had different dads, but they did invite me to go along as well.  I hated to go and begged my mom not to send me.  I think that she just wanted that break from us.  The grandfather molested me and eventually raped me.  The grandmother seemed to hate me and verbally abused me.  I believe she knew what was happening and it made her jealous.  As far as I know the other grandchildren were not abused.  My brother had another half brother and two half sisters, and we used to all play together when we visited.  The grandmother seemed to single me out ~ or at least that's what it felt like.  I didn't understand her behavior because my grandmothers adored me ~ I was the good, sweet kid.  My brother was the one always getting into trouble ~ yet his grandmother treated him like a prince, and me like trash.  It was very damaging to me because I didn't understand.  Finally when I was 13 my mom told me I didn't have to go back.  I don't know what happened in the grandmother's life.  But I do know that her son was abusive to my mom when they were married and he was also an alcoholic, like my dad and my brother.  I think it was just a very dysfunctional house.

Thanks for sharing.

 

Tue, 02/14/2012 - 10:01 — Tina

I have been reading alot on this site about female abusers and it suddently occured to me that yes, my mom was a female abuser.  I find it hard to say that but, in my heart, I know it is true.  It was when I read one woman's comment about how her mother put her in a bathing suit and told her to "go show daddy".  My mother was always saying "go show your father".  I remember being out on "outings" with him alot.  He took me to a singing festival when I was pre-adolscent I don't remember much about it ... but, I know that somehow being in car with him made my skin crawl.  She was always sending me off with him somewhere where he was alone with me and had access.  I really do believe she used me, in many ways.  To meet some of his needs and to constantly babysit, and help her with the five children she had with him. (he was my step-father) ... I was 3  yrs old when she married him at age 18.  Even on her death bed she asked me to "call daddy" and get him to come to the hospital.  She died that morning and I was left in the position of comforting my abuser who was devastated about her death.  Being a nurse, my need to "caretake" came out and I did comfort him.  Damn!  I know he was in a good deal of pain ... but so was I ... and he didn't deserve my compassion .. he never showed any to me.  He was extremely emotionally abusive, to the point of being sadistic at times, beat the crap out of me up until the age of 16 and sexually abused me .. the last contact of sexual abuse was age 12.  Although he would always be making inappropriate comments and brushing up against me etc. ... even into adulthood.  I cut my whole family out of my life when I disclosed the abuse at age 37.  They didn't believe me and my step-father said I was "crazy" and "had been given bad advice by my therapy group".  My mother said "why didn't you come to me back then?" and also ... "well, this is between you and your father .. and for you and him to fix".  My main reason for disclosing the sexual abuse was that there were grandchildren, and I felt a responsibility to let the family know what he was capable of.  If I saved one of those grandchildren from being sexually abused it was worth the abuse I got from having disclosed. 

My mother was 16 yrs old when she gave birth to me and to this day, I do not know who my birth father was.  Somehow, intuitively, I suspect it was her older brother.  I think I am the result of incest.  Both my parents went to their graves .. never telling me who my birth father really was.  I have never seen a picture.  My mom told me he was a pilot in the Airforce at the base in the city where we lived.  But, I don't think so.  At the least, I think I deserved to be told the truth about who my birth father was. 

Anyways, I could go  on and on .. I guess it just feels good to vent .. even now, after all these yrs, the pain is there.  I am 61 yrs old now and sometimes it all feels like it happened yesterday.  Yes, i did therapy ... group therapy for survivors of sexual abuse and one on one therapy.  But, the wound is still there ... it is healed pretty good I guess but I have those "invisible scars" that noone sees but will always be there, just like a physical scar heals and fades but it is always there to remind you of what you went thru.  Sexual abuse is a "lifetime" sentence given by a perpetrator.

Recent comments

About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.