Leaving the Monster Behind

Perpetrator, abuser, tormentor, rapist, pedophile, predator.  Or in other words, priest, babysitter, brother, uncle, aunt, grandfather, neighbor, father.  They are our monsters.  How long must we fear the monster?

In some respects, it would be a much less tangled mess if children were routinely abused by strangers instead of close relations.  There would be the fear and loathing of the acts committed, but there is the possibility of a more detached experience.   Nearly all sexual abuse is committed by someone close.  They are family friends, coaches, relatives, teachers, religious leaders.  There is an emotional and/or physical connection between the abused and the abuser.  The abuse that occurs isn't the random act of a stranger; it is the result of someone with whom we are attached hurting the victim. Attachment to the perpetrator makes disengagement much more difficult. 

Children are unable to navigate this world on their own.  They must be fed, changed, carted about and looked after by adults.  Our society is set up in such a way.  A six year old can't pack their bags and head out.  They are physically dependent upon adults to care for them until they are much older.  Children are also wired to emotionally attach to those who care for them.  They have to in order to survive.    Whether an environment is healthy or not, the child must find a way to attach to the caregiver.  If the child is being abused, they have no choice but to attach to the monster; they have no other options. 

Now to the tricky part, how does one detach?  The perpetrator has touched the child inappropriately; they have defiled the child and corrupted the purity of the relationship, but they are also "in charge" of that child.  The adult predator calls all of the shots.  The innocent child has to go along with the program.  In a dysfunctional way, the child attaches to that person.  Again, there is no choice, even though the child's instincts are telling them that the abuser is bad.  The child has to squash their instincts because their instincts are useless.  The child is becoming more and more confused and more and more vulnerable.  The child becomes more helpless and therefore emotionally attaches even more to the predator. 

Eventually the abuse stops, but the attachment usually remains.  It is a dysfunctional, unhealthy and scary attachment, but it is there none the less.  Many of my adult clients will admit that they are not certain that they would be able to repel their abuser if they were to walk into the room right then.  That is evidence that the emotional attachment remains intact.  Their abuser is long gone, but they are still controlling the survivor. 

There can be much confusion as an adult tries to detangle the mess.  The survivor typically has strong feelings towards their abuser.  They hate the SOB, but they still fear him. 

Detaching is a huge job for the survivor.  It has to begin with setting limits in their daily lives.  My son worked on his by practicing limit-setting with the strangers who would approach him on the street trying to sell him something.  Up until then, his typical response was "give them a big smile so they don't know I am terrified, wait for them to finish their pitch while I try to look relaxed, keep my eyes cast downward, then politely say no and hopefully have them walk on".  His new approach was "see them coming, make direct eye contact, put my hand up with arm out-stretched, and firmly say no before they even speak".  That may seem rude to some, but it was an exercise in creating personal space and only allowing those he would like to enter his space be invited in. 

With time, setting limits with co-workers, loved ones, and acquaintances becomes much easier.  A clear ability to set the tone is established so the survivor is better able to realize their ability to call the shots instead of everyone else.  This ultimately allows the survivor to fully detach emotionally from the perpetrator.  "I can say no to you and you have to listen".  "I am in charge of me.....you are not". 

Feeling emotionally free from your abuser allows you to navigate the world safely.  You find the confidence to venture out, knowing that you can define how it will play out.  You can choose to have others lead, knowing that you can take over and take care of yourself if necessary.  You can confidently lead, knowing that you have a pretty good idea where your path will take you.  The monster is no longer.