An Explanation, but Never an Excuse

Again, there was some awesome dialogue from last week’s blog post.  The emotion was deep; the anger palpable.  Is there a mystery as to who becomes a predator?  I think not.  Many of the comments shared were pieces to the puzzle, but I will try to put it all together to “build a predator”. 

1. Sexual abuse tends to be generational when not addressed.  Dad sexually abuses his daughter.  His daughter doesn’t confront the crime, either to him or herself, which leaves her in denial.  Her denial leads her to not consider that her father will sexually abuse her own children; leading to a new generation of abuse.

2. Some predators have a preference of attraction, some do not.  Some only abuse little girls, some only boys and some go after both.  In the situation above, there is the potential for gramps to sexually abuse both his granddaughters and grandsons.  The daughters go inward, with feelings of shame and guilt.  The boys express their shame differently; they take it outward and become angry, making for a perfect next generation of abuse.

3. Sexual attraction is all about frame of reference.  Sexual abuse is all about halting emotional development at the age of the attack.  If a child is introduced to sexual activity at age 7, their frame of reference and sexual/emotional development gets stuck at that age.  Both boys and girls will go on to identify with either the victim within or the predator within; balance is much more difficult to achieve.  The little girl, who sees herself as a victim, will probably go on to be more attracted to older men as she comes of age.  She sees herself as damaged, worthless and vulnerable.  An older male is familiar to her because he subconsciously reminds her of her early sexual activity.  She thinks, in a messed up way, he will take care of her the way her abuser did.  She is attracted to powerful/manipulative men.  These men have a tendency to be aggressive and, in some form or fashion, potential abusers; a perfect set up for another generation of abuse.  If she identifies with the predator/aggressor, she will be more attracted to a man she sees as weak and vulnerable.  She will be manipulative in her intimate relationships.  She runs the risk of being emotionally/physically/sexually abusive towards her spouse or children. 

4. The little boy abused at age 7 will do the same as the little girl victim.  The boy’s sexual frame of reference and attraction is as a child.  When he comes of age he will behave either as a victim or a predator.  Since males have a higher level of sex drive and a societal expectation to initiate sexual contact, they will be more likely to identify with the predatory aspects of their introduction to sex.  The only problem is, the sexual abuse stunted their emotional growth and they are sexually attracted to little children.  Their wiring is all messed up.  They get aroused by what is familiar; little boys and/or girls. I have worked with men who have spent their adult lives inward, as victims; they seek out aggressive partners who treat them poorly.  I have worked with men who have lived as predatory creatures, who manipulate their close relationships.  They may not become sexually aggressive, but they are emotional bullies.  Either way, the stage is set for future abuse.  

5. All children are born pure; their environment shapes them into what they will become.  Most predatory adults have had a sexual abuse history, or they suffered a difficult childhood, or they were never taught right from wrong.  All that does is gives us an explanation; it can never be used as an excuse.  I don’t care what indignities someone has suffered as children, they are responsible to behave as adults when they become one.  And adults cannot hide behind excuses.  There is no excuse to harm a child. This speaks to some of the comments on the blog.  Too many people bury their heads and go through life in denial.  If the act of abuse isn’t acknowledged or addressed, the child of abuse will go to lead a potentially crippled life; either by living as a perpetual victim or sick predator.  It is certainly true that some children of abuse go on to lead healthy lives without intervention, but the odds work against it.  Failed relationships, drug abuse, lack of trust, fear of intimacy, anger issues, unhealthy attraction issues; they are more the norm.  

So yes, we can predict who will be potential abusers, but we can also predict who will be potential lifelong victims.  They come from shared experiences.  We have to remember to be realistic; both outcomes are tragic.  What if we all agreed today to not bury our heads in the sand; if we all agreed to be open to our own experiences; if we all agreed to not judge those who have an unhealthy, but not acted upon, attraction to children; If we all agreed to not judge the maladaptive behaviors of survivors; if we all agreed to be open to the thoughts and fears of those abused; if we all agreed to treat the damaged with dignity and kindness?  Would we be able to dissuade the predator from ever coming to be?