Emotional Overload

Last week we discussed flashbacks and how they complicate our adult lives.  Sexual abuse is an experience of intense emotions that are not only impossible to process, but also full of fright.  Flashbacks are our brain leaking out glimpses of images of events too brutal to have fully comprehended as they were occurring.  It is crazy to me to imagine the child having to go to such lengths in order to survive the ordeal.  A child of abuse must hide those crushing feelings and conceal those brutal images in the recesses of their brain.  Flashbacks are just one way the adult survivor brain has morphed into something other than it was supposed to be. 

How else does the child brain "figure out" what to do?  One area where most survivors struggle is their inability to cope with strong emotion.  As children, survivors had no other option but to ignore powerful emotions because there was no outlet or release for their "secret". 

Have you ever witnessed a child having a temper-tantrum?  While somewhat comical, they are also incredibly interesting.  You can actually see their inability to deal with the intensity of the emotion they are feeling.  They want the candy bar at the checkout line but their immature brain cannot accept that they can't have it.  They wail and flail and cause quite a scene.  The child is turning purple while they hurl themselves to the floor.  We think nothing of it when we come upon it.  We smile at the parents and give a little nod.  With time and guidance, those children learn how to cope with their emotions.  They will learn how to delay gratification and learn how to not fear the discomfort of feeling strong emotions.  That is, if that child has a young life with no sexual abuse.

For the abuse survivor, life doesn't follow the easier path to emotional control.  The ability to manage their feelings gets stuck.  There can be no temper tantrum after abuse.  It is secret; the weight of the emotion must simmer within. So begins years of "stuffing".  The “normal” child has the luxury of practicing how to control/show emotion, but the abused child feels unsafe to show anything.  At the moment the abuse started, their emotional growth stunted. 

Many adult survivors of sexual abuse will be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is a fancy way of saying "people who can't tolerate strong emotion resulting in chaotic instability on many levels".  Borderlines have no idea how to manage emotion; it has become something to fear and ignore.  But strong emotions are a part of life and sooner or later those emotions build until there is no more room.....leaving only two options: implosion or explosion.  Neither is pretty.

For lack of a better description, the adult abuse survivor has a temper-tantrum when faced with insurmountable emotions.  They revert back to the emotional level of the abused child who stopped growth when the abuse began.  The child, who throws himself on the floor because he doesn't want to take a nap, does so because he has not reached the level of maturity where he can verbalize his objections.  There is not concrete language yet.  Now compare that to the abuse survivor; she has no idea how to verbalize her discomfort when powerful emotions are present because the strong emotion brings her back to that ill-fated moment in time.  She only has the skills of a child. 

The problem with adult temper tantrums is that they are not productive and are not understood.  They aren't "cute" like those of a small child.  They are met with disgust, dismissal, and lack of compassion. 

Adult borderline temper-tantrums are either directed inward of outward.  When directed outward, the survivor feels threatened and overwhelmed by strong emotions, which cannot be processed.  Their best tool to cope is to "rip someone a new one".  When they were young, episodes of sexual abuse evoked an overwhelming sense of fear and vulnerability.  But they were too little to have any real power.  They just shut down and let the abuse happen.  As adults experiencing the same type of fear or vulnerability they become explosive to avoid those emotions.  They believe that if they become angry and aggressive no one will harm them.

Under the same circumstances, the inwardly directed temper tantrum feels the same, but looks different.  There is a sense of impending doom and emotions are overflowing, but these adult survivors direct their behavior internally.  They have a tantrum on themselves.  They cut, or feel suicidal, or become horribly depressed.  They don't punish others, they punish themselves. 

The problem is, none if it is particularly helpful.  Learning how to manage the strong emotions with words and logic are the goal.  Discovering that there is a vocabulary to communicate your pain will not only make the symptoms decrease, but will allow those in your life to truly understand.