Taking back MY life

   I am 37.  I was molested at age 8 and raped at age 15.  I have been struggling to deal with both traumas since they originally happened.  My molester was a good family friend.  Let me add here that my family life was screwy at best.  A withdrawn mother who only plugged in long enough to give a few criticisms or beat me long enough to leave emotional scars.  My father had long been gone from the situation.  I don't say this for sympathy, but rather because it is MY truth.  I bounced from foster home to family friend and back to my mother.  I learned early on the only reason person I could trust was my little brother.   I met my molester when I was 3.  I met him at the church my foster mother had us attending.  His family was really close with my foster mother.  I instantly developed a bond with Lance*.  I would take to him like I had no other.  I had unending love for this man and can remember to this day, the pure JOY I got from him simply walking into the room.  One time, while my mother had custody again, she decided my brother and I were in the way for the summer so she called my ex foster mother and asked if she could take us for the summer.  Well my foster mother had her hands full at that point and could not take us, so she told my mother that she knew someone who would. 
   A few days later, and we were dropped of with the Clarks*.   Mrs. Clark is an awesome woman!  She took us into her house full without so much as a blink and took great care of us.  While we were there, a few of us kids (the Clarks had several kids of their own)  developed a case of head lice.  Mrs. Clark was unable to bend over the tub to rub in the shampoo, so she sent Lance.  That night, I saw, for the very first time, the look of lust.  I was naked, in the tub, and Lance gave me a look that scared me.  I was very uncomfortable after that but I stayed quiet as I didn't know what could have been being planned.  A little later that night, it was bedtime.  My brother and I were sharing a old futon like couch...He had his head one way and his feet the other and my body was turned the opposite direction from his.  Sometime, during the middle of the night, I felt a warm body behind me and thought it was my little brother confused after a trip to the bathroom.  And I pushed him out of the bed.  A bit later I felt the same warm body behind me again.  This time I didn't move as I realized the smell was that of cologne that I KNEW my brother (at age 6 ) did not wear.  I was frozen in terror.  I remember every touch, every moan, and every look he gave me.  I remember moaning myself because I had severely sprained my wrist that day and was hoping the moaning would tell Lance I was in pain and that would make him want to leave me alone.  I remember trying to kick my brother to wake to him up (he was deaf so I knew he wouldn't hear me moaning) I remember EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. of that night.  When he left, I broke down and cried myself to sleep.  The next day, I didn't see Lance so I figured I was safe so I didn't say anything to anyone.  That night, it happened again.  This time, I just laid there not moving, not making a sound.  After what seemed like an eternity, he left.  And again the next morning I didn't say anything.  It happened again the third night...the following morning I demanded to speak with my foster mother.  They called her for me and I threw a temper tantrum (those were rare for me) until she came and got me.  Then I made her call my mother and made my mother come and get me.  I didn't tell anyone why, only that I was homesick.  While my foster mother knew something was wrong, she had no way of knowing what so she let it go.
   About 4 months later, a friend of my mothers daughter who was 16, cornered me and asked me what the heck was going on with me.  I just told her nothing.  She went and told my mother she thought I had been "messed with".  They both confronted me this time, and I told them what had happened.  My mother called Lance's mother.  I never heard about it again. 

   But it was never far from my mind and I dreamed about it every night.  I struggled for years, to get back my fun loving nature.  Easy going, happy, sweet self was gone.  In it's place was a brooding, dark, angry child.  I remember thinking about how I could kill my mother because she didn't do anything to protect me or make me feel better about it...I remember thinking of ways to make my foster mother pay for making me go there in the first place...I remember later telling my mothers friends daughter off (in my mind) because I was none of her business in the first place.  The only person I could find solace in was my little brother.  Though he still didn't have a clue what went on, he was a source of comfort for me.  He was the only one I felt who didn't look at me and see the word "Tainted" on my forehead.  Or give me looks of pity and sympathy.  He was the only one who loved me for the innocent me!

Fast forward 7 years, and I was 15.  I was finally starting to feel like the old me again...living and enjoying life...I was cheerleading and played soccer, and softball.  I had a small group of friends that I knew loved me and I loved them and KNEW I could trust them.  One of them introduced me to a friend of theirs named Cain*.  Cain, who was 19, and I QUICKLY became close friends.  At this point, BECAUSE of what had happened with Lance, I refused to even kiss a boy.  I was still having nightmares but they were becoming less and less frequent.  Cain was easy to talk to and we would often go to a place near my house in the north GA mountains, that I loved.  This spot would help me focus, and get my head clear.  I took Cain here because I KNEW I could trust him and it was a good place to talk privately about what was going on in our lives with each other.  One day, I was heading to my spot in the mountains by myself.  I heard a rustling not too far from me in the woods but put it off to a deer.  I kept going.  In about 30 seconds, I had to go around a bend in the tiny foot trail I was following...as I got around it, I felt a knife at my throat and an arm around my waist.  Then I heard Cain saying for me to do exactly what he said and I would go home that night.  And that is all I remember from there till about a week later.  I don't remember how I got home that night, I don't remember if I was hurt, I don't remember who I saw or how I got away or if Cain just let me go.  I. JUST. DON'T. KNOW. 

   And that scares me.  I know it is my brains way of coping.  But at this point, 22 years later, I WANT TO KNOW what happened!  I have spent the last 22 years frozen in time (in my mind)... I have moved on, married and had kids, but I never got over either time...I don't feel comfortable in my own skin...I don't feel comfortable being me anymore.  I feel like I have to remain a mystery and keep everyone, including my husband, at arms length. Because to let ANYONE in would present a danger to me.  I titled this piece "Taking back MY Life" because I need to.  I don't know who I am anymore.   I have been seeing a counselor as of late to help me because I am tired of drifting through life.  I am hoping, this blog can be a rich tool in helping me take back MY LIFE and become ME AGAIN!!!!