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that's it

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Tue, 02/21/2012 - 12:27 — gracioushealing

I am tired of having to crawl through the desert on my hands and knees, repenting, to paraphrase a Mary Oliver poem.

I can't pay for my life anymore. I can't feel so worthless, or guilty, or deserving of nothing, not even my own dreams or happiness. I can't make up anything to anybody. I can't feel as if I do not deserve to be alive.

I AM HERE AND I DESERVE TO BE ALIVE.

AND HAPPY.

That's it.

Comments

Tue, 02/28/2012 - 02:52 — gaia

The Morning Poem.  Have you heard it?  It begins with...Every morning the world is created...then it goes on to lavish in nature...on which are painted islands of summer lilies.  If it is your nature to be happy you will swim away along the soft trails for hours, your imagination alighting everywhere...each pond with it's blazing lilies is a prayer heard and answered lavishly, every morning, whether or not you have ever dared to be happy, whether or not you have ever dared to pray.

It reminds me also of a great warrior's prayer for his son, one that I pray for me, and now for you, Andie...to be strong enough to know when you are weak,

and brave enough to face yourself when you are afraid,

be unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Where your wishbone will not be your backbone.

To know Thee and that to know yourself be the foundation stone of knowledge.

Not taken through the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge.

To learn to stand up in the storm, to learn compassion for those who fail.

To have a clean heart with high goals, to master yourself before seeking to master others,

To learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep,

To reach into the future, yet know from the past how far you will go, and you will.

After all this is yours, add a sense of humor, so that you may always be serious without taking yourself too seriously,

To have humility, so that you may always remember the simplicity of greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength. 

Then I will dare to whisper, "I have not lived in vain." Amen~Gen.D.McArthur

I pray this for you too:  That you may live to pass it on with happiness in your heart and soul.

Wed, 02/29/2012 - 17:57 — gracioushealing

Believe it or not I was researching my family tree and my name - my REAL name - was listed on Douglas McArthur's family tree. As in my exact name. It was chilling. So I am possibly related to the general.

Thank you for this. It cleared my heart.

Thu, 03/01/2012 - 14:03 — Tina

Beautiful poem.

Thu, 03/01/2012 - 01:06 — gaia

You Go, girl!!

It's not an easy prayer to meditate on , but it gets me by.  I'll take extra comfort in knowing you will share it with me as a true decendant of the great G.

Keep your faith,

gaia

Thu, 03/01/2012 - 07:24 — carlalayton11

OMG cant belive im going to addmit what happend to me my mums boyfriend used to make me have sex with him n like stacey i would lie there n think i was somewere else he used to video it i hate him n always will more i hate myself i cant even have sex it makes me me feel dirty i dont wont to feel like this any more i want to love but i dont know how too.It started when i eas 12 now im 31 and its still there in my mind coz it didnt stop till i were 29 i hate myself for what he did i hate myself even more for letting him please can some one help me i have no one x

 

Thu, 03/01/2012 - 10:42 — BlueCascade

First.... This wasn't your fault. You may feel responsible, because these abuse sessions continued until you were 29, but when the abuse started, you were 12. You had the coping skills of a 12 year old... And your coping skills were frozen at that age. Every time, this man approached you, you became 12 again... Whether you were 14, or 16, or 21, or 29. This is one, of many side effects of sexual abuse. I know a woman, who continued to be abused, by her uncle, until she was 44. Our abuseres are gifted, at making us believe, we want it, and even that we are responsible. This is one of many ways, they keep us quiet. Second, you can heal your sexuality. We deserve to be healthy, and happy. Part of a "normal" persons life, is a healthy sex life. It was one of the last things, I addressed, with my therapist. for most of my life, I used my imagination, to keep the demons at bay, during sex. I "went" to the mountains, or on a secluded beach. I could hear the sounds of nature... Waves crashing, birds singing, I could smell, the sea, or pine trees, and I would be anywhere, except where I was. This was exhausting, and not very fair to my husband, but when I tried to stay present, the images, and sensation, of abuse would intrude. Healing sexuality, is not something that can be accomplished in one paragraph... It took time and effort. I had to take myself through, the natural "normal", stages of sexuality. I had to learn, how, a normal person develops, and had to take myself there, in my mind. I had to have the help of a therapist to do this. Having a healthy sexuality IS possible, but you have to do the work. If it is not possible, for you to get professional help, at this time... Look for good self help books, and begin there. Thank-you for posting... It is hard to even utter the words... I was abused... It happened to me too... But it is the first step on your path to healing. Congratulations!!!

Fri, 03/02/2012 - 00:12 — gaia

If you want to see the original prayer as it was written, you can see it in the last pages of a book by Michael Ross and Susie Shellenberger titled, What Your Son Isn't Telling You.  I read it because I'm always looking for better ways to be a better parent to my boys because I just didn't have the right tools growing up.  I didn't have a model to go by, so I always feel I'm either too hard or too soft, too protective or too careless, too this or too that.  I never feel I can add up to what is "normal" because I never had a normal development.  But I'm learning, thank goodness I enjoy reading.  Reading how "normal" people raise their kids has helped a lot.

Every challenge we overcome takes faith in our effort and invested time. Blessings to you too.

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.