life goes on

So I will be 40 tomorrow. Tired. That's 40 for me. Tired to even write about it.

Sitting here right now I feel that God is far away and so is any friend. My one friend who moved can't come to visit for my b-day b/c her abusive husband won't let her use the car right now. He abuses her verbally. Controlling too.

I have far too much to do at present, and far too many problems, and far too much anger. And I am not here to write a perfect blog or be perfect. So I won't. Sometimes I feel like being in counseling is like being put on trial. I am not here to execute myself. My abuser already tried to kill me. He will burn in hell for that one.

I am sick of flashbacks.

I am not a woman to mess with. Know that, Daddy Dearest. Know that your time on this earth is short and God will deal with you. When you finally go, you will get yours. Count on it. You have done it all to yourself. Whatever you did to me has been done to you. I don't have to lift a finger.

The woman who showed me the room at first told me I had the room, then changed her mind after leaving me a message saying there was an issue, but we could work through it. She said it was an "intuitive feeling" it would not work out. I feel discriminated against and toyed with by a low-level sadist. Sad that the tiniest bit of power goes to people's heads. I am going to report her b/c I am on disability and feel it is an act of discrimination. I got a feeling from her like she was on a power trip. Obviously a very messed up chick. To change your mind like that is just effing weird to me. The only people in this state seem to be severely mentally ill - I consider "normal" people to be far sicker than people like me with actual labels, b/c it's all power and control issues in their world. We are recovering from those. They are in denial about theirs. So who is healthy, and who is sick?

So, I'm 40. Whoohoo. Now what? Hell if I know. Just know world that I am not a woman to mess with. Ever.