incest kills

I am being crippled by emotional and financial stress. I am very paranoid after years of living close to my abuser. It's an effing hell. I flinch now anytime looks at me. I am very close to ending my life. I HAVE HAD TOO MUCH. I am beyond angry. I am full of RAGE.

Still living in the rooming house from hell - yep, I used to be moonisblue, but wanted a better name, so here I am. I am Andie now. No more Ann. I hate Ann, so why not be Andie? Be who I am. All my stuff is scattered in storage and a church friend's house. I don't want my guitar in my car, which is also on its last legs. I can't keep up with the repairs. I can't keep up with the rent at the rooming house. I am about to go under. I asked my parents for help - what a laugh, they will never help me since they are the reason I have these symptoms. I can barely return to the rooming house to eat. It takes all my strength to eat peanut butter crackers in public. I feel constantly watched, evaluated, and judged. I really want to end this torment. And I need to cry and can't. If I sell the car, I need a place to put my stuff, and I don't have a place b/c the rooming house is temporary. One thing after another, all of these appointments and renewal fees coming up all at once, trying to effing drown me, days spent in loneliness. That's my life now. I go from library to library. I don't have a central place to play my guitar or write. Everything I do takes tremendous energy b/c there is no longer a life. The life I had, with an apt. and a job, is long gone after years of being back home and dealing with my perpetrator. I could kill someone, but if I do, it will be me and not someone else. I won't go to jail. I was in jail as a child. My father got away with soul murder. He really, really did.

I REFUSE to take medication as it ruins abstract thought. They blanked me out on this Zoloft crap and I couldn't write. I need to write and play that guitar even though right now I don't have it on me. If I put it in my car, I fear someone will steal it. I spend a lot of energy just trying to feel safe and protecting my stuff which is hard in a shared room with a heightened level of paranoia and loneliness. I guess God put me on this earth to be obliterated. Quite obvious to me. I hate God.

I can't afford to be alive anymore, I can't be anxious anymore, I can't be this lonely anymore, and I can't live in hell anymore. I am being literally tortured and crushed by my own thoughts, not enough help, tremendous emotional and physical stressors, and nobody who gives a damn. Except for maybe all of you.

As Sophie said, "F--- God and all his handiwork". I couldn't agree more at the moment. INCEST KILLS.