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this post will trigger you be warned

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Tue, 05/01/2012 - 10:45 — gracioushealing

well i'm half dead from emotional exhaustion. i left the rooming

house. i am supposed to apartment sit for a friend for a month.

it's all been really effing hard. too hard. this is a lonely dark life

not worth living. i hate living in this state. my plan is, if i decide

to keep living, which is a 50/50 proposition, is to move all my

crap out of storage - just chuck the s--- OUT - and go down

to see my friend in VA for awhile. just keep moving, don't let

anyone pin me down. i can't find any place to live that isn't

nothing helps

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Sun, 04/22/2012 - 14:04 — gracioushealing

i'll be off the site for awhile. nothing's helping. wishing everyone good luck and god bless. later.

 

andie

good energy request

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Mon, 04/16/2012 - 13:15 — gracioushealing

Maybe we can't ask for prayer or good energy but I am

asking for some right now, particularly prayers for protection

as I feel unsafe and quite loaded down with false guilt and "bad"-ness.

I have some real decisions to make and fears about how it is all going

to work out, and it is always hard when you have little money. Thank you all.

some stuff; may be triggering for some

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Thu, 04/12/2012 - 15:33 — gracioushealing

Just a list of crap I'm dealing with.

A few people at my church are really triggering me.

Terrible loneliness.

Lately, vaginal pains. They come when I am very stressed.

My brain feels very off.

The place where I'm staying is bugging me to the point at times I simply

can't even go inside. So I don't.

I am managing to write, see a counselor, go to church occasionally.

I am tired of self-blame. I'm going to let me be for awhile. Screwed up as it all is.

sad

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Wed, 04/11/2012 - 13:12 — gracioushealing

Just pretty sad today. Struggling. Struggling to trust, to get out of this rut I've

been in for so long. Feel like crying most of the time.

Too much going on for too long in my head. Weary. Head and heart weary. Very

lonely. I know I screwed things up with my housing and it is my fault.

Wishing I had a life partner, someone who loved me. I'm 40 now, alone for about

14 years. Occasional date. I meet men I like and they are usually gay or taken.

It would be nice to meet an available chap for once. I think about that a lot lately

whatever

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Tue, 04/03/2012 - 19:11 — gracioushealing

I am still a confused person at this point. My life is a bizarre one to say the least. I leave a trigger and spend the day away from the place I'm staying at. I feel tremendous guilt I think. It's a weird toxic brew I don't quite understand, the guilt and shame, making me see life through a dark filter when maybe it isn't like that at all. The area is partially responsible. I feel I jump to negative conclusions, do the wrong things, then feel terrible shame and guilt, and thus reinforces the BS about me being "bad".

i hate titles

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Sat, 03/24/2012 - 09:31 — gracioushealing

I was a bit shaken by some of the recent comments about someone indicating someone else's truth wasn't real. I am glad that person is gone. That does not serve the site. I prayed for all concerned. This site needs to be safe.

where is justice

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Fri, 03/16/2012 - 09:43 — gracioushealing

Where is justice in the world of a survivor when the perpetrator gets away

with this nightmare leaving us with the burden?

I can't get over the injustice, the rage, the need for revenge.

I feel like killing my father. I really truly do. I hate the man.

I can't "let it go". I am too close, literally, to the source.

I can't. I've tried and I can't.

So, how in the hell do you do that? When your symptoms rage on?

What I feel now is not describable. And God is a HUGE JOKE.

no title

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Thu, 03/15/2012 - 09:36 — gracioushealing

Today I just hate everyone and have tremendous anger.

Tired of my depression and injustice and my parents getting away with it.

Tired of how lousy the human race is particularly in this snotty effing state.

Just effing TIRED.

pain rage hell

gracioushealing's picture
Thu, 03/08/2012 - 17:32 — gracioushealing

I've had such a terribly painful life. I was set up to self destruct. I really was. I have had housing issues for years. When I left a homeless shelter, I moved into some low income housing. The noise issues with a next door neighbor from hell led to a choice: evict her or leave. I chose to leave as oppose to evict her. I was frightened of retribution from her boyfriend, a thug like guy, and frightened in general. Since that time I have had no rest or peace. I should have stayed, even though the apt.

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.

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