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Anyone know how to make peace with internal termoil ???

Mon, 02/20/2012 - 19:32 — Sue

My dad was rushed to the hospital late last night. My mom and I get there,a little while later my youngest brother shows up,not long afterwards we go into the back of the E.R. My dad crashed. They have to intubate him,he can't breath on his own. Mom o.k.'s it,so they do it. Not long afterwards my oldest brother walks in. What is the first thing he does,comes over and rubs my back. So,what do I do,FREEZE!!!!! I can't deal with the person who abused me touching me and instead of moving,hitting him,whatever,I freeze!!! As I look at my dad dying,I go back and forth from hatred to sadness that he is living this. That this is the end of his world. Imagining how terrified he must feel knowing he isn't probably coming home.that he will never see another day. Then ,I see him beating the crap out of me,yelling at me like I'm a peace of dirt,treating me like I'm worthless. Then,still with my brother in the room,I see him and I,him touching me,hurting me in a way no brother should ever hurt his sister. Wishing I had the guts to tell him how bad he hurt me. Fighting the flashes,the headaches,dissociation in full blast,can't stop it. All night long ,7 hours of this,spending all those hours with the person who ruined my life,haven't spent that much time with him since we lived together growing up. Spent my entire night going back and forth between my feelings with my dad and my brother. Can this termoil every really be resolved,really???!!!!!!!! The roller coaster of emotions really can rock someone's world. Will there ever really be peace??? Can there ever really be peace??????

Comments

Tue, 02/21/2012 - 09:47 — Tina

Yes, it is possible to find peace.  I have had some, although, not as much as I would have liked.  You just went thru a really disturbing, highly emotionally charged event, involving your dad.  Being in the same room with your brother amped it up even more.  When I am overwhelmed by life's events ... I find a quiet place, hopefully one is nearby .. I know hospitals usually have a "quiet" room for families or a chapel.  I just go and get quiet and take some deep breaths and, in my case, I ask my "spirit guides" or "angels" or maybe even my Higher Power (yours is whatever you want it to be, as is mine) for help to get thru what is in front of me.  You do have the RIGHT to tell your brother not to "touch" you also.  It is your body and if you don't want anyone touching it .. you are an adult now and can say "no .. please do not do that right now."  I was stunned one day when I realized I can tell people what I need ... of course, they may not always listen, or care but at least I can tell them.  You made it this far ... you are stronger than you realize. 

Tue, 02/21/2012 - 21:10 — Sue

Thank you. I am struggling so bad right now with everything. It is a total mess and I don't see it getting any better. I have so many ranges of emotions with my father , if I don't find peace,it is going to distroy me and I know it,it just feels like its so far away that I'll never reach it. So, thank you for giving me hope. As far as my reaction to my brother touching me,it's normal,my therapist said. Unfortunatly I'm not to a point that I can confront my brother or stand up to him,at all,so,she said that because of where I am in my therapy,it was a normal reaction. So, some day,hopefully,I'll get there.again thank you for your support.

Wed, 02/22/2012 - 00:59 — gaia

If you nonchalantly tell them you would prefer that your brother not be allowed in when you are there, I think they might be able to accomodate your request by letting him know that he is to wait outside until you leave.  If he insists on staying, then leave.  You don't have to be around him if you don't want him near you. You don't have to spend a lot of time torturing yourself in that hospital room either. Plese help yourself help yourself and feel a spirit of sisterhood's guide you out that room when you start to trigger with emotions. 

Warm thoughts for your healing

Wed, 02/22/2012 - 04:24 — Sue

Good info on the hospital personal. Didn't think of that. Right now,when I go see my dad,I can see him without seeing my brother.i sorta know his schedule,so I go when I think he won't be there. The incident on Sunday night was because we all truly believed that was it for my dad. He is still with us right now but still on a breathing machine. Mom went to see him last night ,said he was awake for about 15 minutes,then fell back to sleep. They are keeping him mostly sedated right now. She said his hands are very swollen as well. All I know is this isn't good and I don't see a good outcome,so this isn't going to get any easier. I will say this,EVERYONE here ,the level of support I have received has made more of a difference in dealing with this than I can say. I know I'm not alone ,so,thank you to everyone here!!!!

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.