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The Ghost of Christmas Past

Thu, 12/29/2011 - 02:55 — Stacey Lannert

Christmas is a hard time of year. When we were kids we looked forward to it - no matter what else was happening in our lives. I loved Christmas. It was the one time of the year when I knew my family would be happy and we would all get along. Cookies, carols, and presents meant my family was jovial. We would visit would other family members - you just never knew who would turn up. Christmas for me was a magical time and even when I stopped believing in the bearded one who came down the chimney, I still believed there was something special about Christmas.

At times the good memories are just as painful as the bad and I have to shove them away. Looking at a picture of Christmas past is painful. The child in me will always wonder why my dad chose to rape me. I search for excuses, a reason to explain what it was that drove the person I loved so much into someone I eventually feared and loathed. How could we pretend day after day like nothing was wrong? Why didn't I do more to stop it? Why didn't I tell more people? Why did I still hope he would change back into the dad I knew?

The questions, the pain, the shame - all swell within me. I feel the pressure of negativity build against the dam of forgiveness and acceptance that took me decades to build. I fear I will succumb to the depression that always lingers on the other side, I feel it creeping in. But then....deep breaths... I remember I am now in charge of me - I will NEVER change the past but today and tomorrow are mine. I will never have the answers that I can't seem to stop asking (tormenting) myself about. I can't explain why but I can say "Never Again.".

When the ghosts of Christmas come - remember how they came for Scrooge, Christmas Past came first, followed by Christmas Present, then Future. Christmas Past did not stay and linger, that ghost moved on - and so can we - if we choose to.

I can now sit with the snapshots of the past and view the happy memories without the sour bitterness of regret. I have the opportunity to create new memories, new traditions. I went away for Christmas this year. I wanted to see somewhere besides St. Louis. I did not spend the holiday with family - I spent it with friends. I created something new.

New Year - New You! Choose one resolution and work on it. Just one and give it all you have. What do you want to change in the year 2012? I want to be more organized. It will be a rough year getting into the habit of finding a place for everything and keeping everything in its place, but I believe we can do anything we set our mind's to. Good luck in this New Year and remember you are never alone!

 

Comments

Thu, 12/29/2011 - 13:10 — chocoholic

I have mixed emotions about Christmas.  Christmas was not a good time for me when I was growing up.  Yes there was the excitement over presents ~ but there was a lot of chaos in my house during the holidays.  My parents seemed to fight more than normal.  I think Christmas just added more stress into their lives.  There was usually fighting over going to church...my dad hated it and my mom tried to make him go just for Christmas.  They fought over presents, food and whatever else came up.  I have always tried to make the best of the holidays and to make everything special for my kids.  I created new memories and pushed everything else away.  This year was particularly hard since it was the first time in 46 years that I didn't spend the holiday with my mom.  But my Christmas was also peaceful because she wasn't here.  I guess now that my kids are older and we aren't baking cookies for Santa anymore or doing our other traditions, Christmas just feels different for me.  I like the idea of going away for Christmas and I wish we could have gone away this year.  I'll try to make that a priority next year so I can create some happy memories for myself.  I'm glad you enjoyed your new Chirstmas memories this year!!  I don't like to make resolutions....I just try my best always.  I am always working on my weight and organizing so I just keep on working on it.  I am looking forward to the new year because I want this year to be over with already.  Many blessings to you in the new year.  And Happy New Year to everybody here! 

Fri, 01/27/2012 - 22:32 — Tina

Yes, Christmas was always special and I did enjoy it.  My mom was the one who gave me that gift.  She would start baking a couple of months before and store all the goodies in the freezer downstairs.  I remember sneaking things out of the freezer sometimes.  Even though we were poor ... we always had tree and presents under the tree ... and a nice Christmas dinner.  Usually all the relatives came to our house ... which I will never understand, as we were the family with the least money and the most kids.  But my mom would cook a huge meal and work her butt off to make it a nice day and a nice dinner.  I am grateful to my mother for giving me the gift of the magic of Christmas.

Chrissy

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.