Little Big Girl

My biological father molested me until I was in the third grade.  I have little memory of it, but it haunts me everday.  I feel like a small child stuck in an adult body.  I am scared of everything because everything can cause harm.  I hurt on a regular basis, and most of the time I don't know why I am hurting.  With all the hatred I have for the man who has turned me into this lack of a being I tend to find men who treat me like he did.  I only sleep with guys who tell me I am ugly and stupid and who tell me I am worthless.  I slept with one guy for a year and a half even though he told me everyday that he is only sleeping with me until something better comes along.  I will sleep with a guy without kissing him because I don't want to be a real person when I am with them I just want to be an object.  I traded cutting myself on a regular basis for sex and even now when I get hurt and I have no one to sleep with I will cut myself.  I don't know what it is like to be loved or to love someone because I don't want to let people in that much.  I truly just hate myself most days because I am disgusting for letting my father do what he did to me.  I have been in and out of therapy most of my life and yet nothing has gotten the pain to stop.  The only person who knows this is my best friend because I fear others will think I am crazy.  And even she doesn't know all that goes on in my head.  I just want to know I am not the only person who feels like this.  I just want to know that I haven't finally gone crazy.  I also want to know that it gets better.  I want to know that the pain will stop someday.  I want to know that I will heal enough to be loved because God I am so lonely.  I just want to feel better.