Abuse changes who we are

This is the first time I have reached out for help. I am about to celebrate my 64th birthday and the abuse I suffered started when I was about 3 years old at the hands of my father, Leslie A. Hoff. I still carry that pain with me and continue to suffer from PTSD. The abuse was of every possible nature from physical beatings to sexual to verbal down to my very soul. I told my mother and brother about it - my brother (who is 4 years older than me) during the years of the abuse itself and my mother when my father was no longer on the scene and I was about to get married at the age of 19. Neither my mother or brother were ever willing to listen to the details claiming it was too painful for them to hear. The 1950's were a time of innocence when these subjects were not publicized as they are now. I felt I was all alone in my suffering and continued pain and my continual wish during those years was that my father would die. I was too afraid of him to kill him myself and certainly didn't want to spend my life in jail, which is what I guessed would have happened to me. I also feared that if I reported it, he would come and kill me and my family (which was always a continual threat). My mother claimed she never knew; however, when I did finally tell her, the only comment she made was that "it explained a lot" - I wish she could have listened and been a comfort to me, even if for only after the fact. Stacey - your story is so tragic. I am only glad that you now have a life to lead and can try to reach some level of peace and happiness which you so deserve. I do still carry this and would like to reach out for help from others and also respond and offer my help to others in return. Thank you for providing this tool for us to express our feelings.