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Surviving Christmas

Wed, 12/28/2011 - 10:49 — BlueCascade

 The holiday season, is coming to an end, and I find myself relieved.  Every year, I prepare... take action... look for ways to find happiness.  Surviving Christmas, is still hard for me, but I get better at it every year.  This year, I tried, just a little bit harder to keep the sadness, this time of year tends to bring me, at bay.

I haven't posted for about three weeks.  I tend to get quiet when I am sad.  I go inside, and put up the defenses... struggle to do the minimum necessary to move forward with my day... week... the whole month of December.  (An emoticon would be helpful here... feeling more ambivalent :-/ than sad.)  

I feel I was a little more successful this year, in finding elusive feelings of happiness, and joy, because I tried to concentrate on others.  One of my good friends, was fired from her job, at the first of the month.  Long story, sad... she is also a survivor, and found herself in a vulnerable position, she felt she couldn't get out of... made a poor choice, and is paying a very high price for her choice.  There was another person involved, I believe the instigator, and yet, he only got a "slap on the hand"... for the record, but I believe a "High Five", figuratively.  Being sad, for her, and trying to get out hiking with her, as much as possible, has helped to keep my SAD at bay.

I worry about my children, all mothers do... but as a survivor, and considering the loss of almost my entire nuclear family, and all my extended family, I tend to have hopes, and expectations, for my own children, that no family can live up to.  I try to squelch, these expectations, as much as possible, and just go with the flow... outwardly I am very successful, but inside I can't help yearning for that, "perfect", family life.  My son, has a great new girlfriend... I love her already... my daughter's relationship, with her boyfriend seems to be getting better.... hope... hope... hope.  I consentrated, on the things I could control... getting them what they wanted for Christmas, having good food ready, not overdoing anything, and keeping my own mental health in mind, as much as possible.

I had two or three days, of pretty dark depression, but for most of the month, I was successful in keeping my mood pretty even.  Christmas day was good:)  I got a couple of very nice surprises, under my tree.  My sister, and hubby, made excellent Santa's this year.  Even my kids, seemed to make an extra effort, this year.  Silly to get so excited over objects, but they somehow knew,"exactly" what I wanted... I was so surprised when I opened their gifts, it wasn't the gifts themselves, that made the difference, it was the fact, they knew what I wanted, and made sure I got them.  Their thoughtfulness, reminded me, that I am loved.

 I try so hard to make a possitive difference, in the lives of others... it is like, if I can lift someone else up... maybe then, I too will be worthy of being lifed up.  Because, I still struggle with depression, I don't seem to be able to "do enough"...  I experience, real joy, when I am able to help someone a little.  Somtimes, I can do something big, sometimes it is small... I think, I may forget, to let others do nice things for me.  It is better to give than receive.  When you can see the thoughtfulness, and consideration, others sometimes show for you... this year, for me, receiving made all the difference.

Comments

Wed, 12/28/2011 - 11:39 — chocoholic

I related to your post so much.  Surviving Christmas was all that I could do this year.  I survived.  I usually try so much harder to make Christmas special for everybody else.  Giving does make my heart feel good.  This year I couldn't get excited about shopping for people or even going to parties.  I usually have my "party face" on and I enjoy being with my friends.  This year....not so much.  We went to two parties in one night and I wanted to go home the minute I got there.  I made the effort to try to look happy.  I am just really sad this year and I can't seem to pick myself up.  I'm ready for this year to be over.  I guess I'm sad because my mom and I aren't talking....not sure.  This was the first time in 46 years that I haven't been with my mom for Christmas.  My mom came to take my kids to lunch, and even though I was glad that I wasn't joining them, it still made me sad that I was excluded.  I guess I just want to matter to her.  I want her to fight for me and really make an effort.  Anyway, maybe that's the reason it's so much harder for me this year.  I mourn for what SHOULD BE.

I am very grateful for my husband and kids.  If it wasn't for them I'm not sure how I would have made it through.  My son has a new girlfriend also and I think this could be "the one".  My daughter and son in law are still very happy together.  And even though I have struggled this year, my husband has been very supportive.  I look forward to 2012!   Happy New Year to you Blue Cascade!!  I really appreciate all of your blogs and posts.  Many blessings to you in the new year!  Happy New Year to everybody here!! 

 

Fri, 12/30/2011 - 08:02 — BlueCascade

You and I are close in age... I will be 46 at the end of January. Thank-you for your kind words, and wishes. Making the choice to keep away from most of my family, was one of the hardest, and most painful things, I have done in healing. It is like they all died. They are poisonous, and harmful to be around, but they were my family, and it was excruciating, cutting off all contact with them. Realizing, it was more relief, than anything else, for them, to have me out of their lives, just contributed to my feelings of loss, and betrayal. Karen wrote a blog about grieving the loss of family a few weeks ago, and it described what I went through effectively. I don't know if your estrangement from your mom, is temporary, or permanent... Either way it hurts, and I am so sorry you are dealing with that now. The last time I spoke with my mother was about 9 or 10 years ago. The pain has tempered... The sadness waxes, and wanes. I don't think losing family, to the dysfunction of the aftermath of sexual abuse, is something I will ever "get over"... But... Life is mostly good. I try to live in the present, and find little bits of joy, in my world today. I think of my mother, with feelings of sadness... But I think of my future, with feelings of hope. I have quoted Oprah's description of forgiveness before, but it is worth repeating. Forgiveness, is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.... I would like to add, hang onto "hope", for better things... The hope that our future, brings more joy, than sadness. The strength, and determination, required for healing, will carry survivors through. Happy New Year to you Mandi, and to all our Healing Sisters.

Wed, 01/04/2012 - 16:34 — chocoholic

Thanks for sharing more about your mom.  It helps me to know I'm not alone.  I'm not sure if not talking to my mom is temporary or not...but you're right, it still hurts.  I love that quote from Oprah and I remember when she said it.  I think it was on the male survivor show she did.  Maybe another time as well.  I do forgive my mom but I am still really hurt by what she did.  I told her that when she said she was tired of us not talking.  I told her that I just need some time to heal.  Part of me wants to reach out to ease her pain, and the other part of me wants to take care of ME for once.  It's all so complicated but I am grateful to know that I'm not alone.  I am sure that if I continue to keep my mom out of my life, I will feel like you do.  I can imagine that it will still hurt but also it can be healing and peaceful because there isn't any drama anymore.  Thanks again for your words of wisdom!  Happy New Year!!

Sun, 01/01/2012 - 10:06 — Stacey Lannert

I felt the same way about my mom, I wanted to matter, I wanted her to fight for me - and I feel like I never got that. I do have a relationship with my mom - it will never be exactly what I want it to be, but it is what it is. I had to give up and let go of wanting her to be (or do) what I wanted her to be and to just accept her for who she is. Not an easy task. In the past I created this image of what a mother should be and punished her every time she failed my expectations. Now I simply accept her for who she is - not who I want her to be.

I would like to clarify one thing - my mother does not hurt me. She does not say hurtful things, she does not deny the past happened, there is no abuse here. We both have different views of the past and our roles in it. We could both harbor resentment against one another or just say, "Okay, that was then - this is now."

Her feelings were hurt because I went away for Christmas, I did not spend it with family. I understand that, I can even apologize for unintentionally hurting her feelings but I will not feel guilt.  I must stand for the fact that this is my life and I have to do what works for me.

We will always be little girls who desire the loving hug of their mom. It is okay to want that, it is ok to mourn it if you do not have it, and it is okay to accept it if you do.

Wed, 01/04/2012 - 16:40 — chocoholic

Stacey thanks for sharing!  I understand what you're saying and I can see myself doing the same.  Just accepting my mom for who she is and try to have the relationship that will be good for me.  My mom still is verbally and mentally abusive to me as an adult.  But not as much as it used to be.  And she can't hurt me physically anymore.  When she learned that I wasn't trapped anymore and I could walk away if I wanted, she had to try to change the way she treated me.  She is still working on it but I'm not sure she's capable of what I need from her.  I do accept her and I know that I could have a relationship with her.  But right now it would only be out of guilt.  I feel so guilty for not doing "the right thing" and making up with her. 

I'm glad you went away for the holidays and did what was best for you.  Not being with my mom for the holidays was sad but also very peaceful.  Thanks again for sharing with me!!  Happy New Year!

Mon, 01/02/2012 - 04:57 — gaia

Sadness is now just an emotion that expresses a part of me that rears it head more often than I wish it to.  I used to ignore it with concentrating on helping others feel better about themselves and that gave me tremendous gratification and relief but still left me feeling unsatisfied and shallow and guilty for not facing up to my darker moments I wont go back to feeling for fear of falling down that abyss that is so exhausting to climb back out from, some days more difficult than others. 

This site gives me inspiration but reading about your lives makes me also feel out of control, unable to help, sometimes guilty for contributing to your sadness while sharing.  So I drop in and out and try not to post but sometimes feel the obligation because you also need that comraderie that I so desperately need and crave, almost too much so.  BlueCascade worded it so well,..."Realizing, it was more relief, than anything else, for them, to have me out of their lives, just contributed to my feelings of loss, and betrayal."  Karen's blog too, spiraled me back to that grieving time when all I wanted from my mom, my sisters, my dad, was a hug and a look of understanding or care.  My past victimization has even driven a wedge with my nephews who have chosen to sever their ties because their parents never acknowledged the reasons for my past outbursts at family gatherings.

I still weakly search for that "stand up for me" attitude from my husband and my sons, knowing full well it's not fair for me to expect so much from their support and loyalty.  When I told my very wise 17 year old that it hurt my feelings that his cousin no longer called me 'aunt', while he still called my sister Aunt ***, he smartly responded, "so, two wrongs make it right?"...I had to laugh.  There's only so much they can do to make me feel better about myself. The rest and the most that anybody can do for me is me alone but with help that I still refuse to get from counseling.

I haven't reached that healing process that involves trust in someone else and hope that I won't need it. I read a lot, and I'm working to heal from just understanding where I am today and where I want to be tomorrow and years ahead.  My sons are years ahead of me in self confidence and stability and I've spent enough years not being there for them while brooding my past that I can't waste any more time not being a "real" mom for them now.  So I focus on developing a healthy relationship with them that involves support and understanding for what their dreams and hopes are, while I work to get myself a life with developing hobbies and interests of my own, while I care for mom and dad as they age, not so gracefully, but with love, care and support in the best way I can show them too.

My parents still have trouble mistaking my love and care for an obligation to live my life according to their wishes instead of their needs, but I gently remind them that there's only so much I, physically and emotionally can do for them.  Its up to them to be happy and I'm setting the example by making that my number one goal.

Thank you again Mandi, SilentOne, Dianne Kelly, Stacey, Blue Cascade and the many of you who have acknowledged my existence and need to feel special, supported, loved and important to someone other than myself & God!  May He bless you equally warmly soon!!!

PS: Best trail mix to date:  dark chocolate covered almonds, yogurt covered raisins, dried black cherries & pinapples, banana chips, macadamias, cashews & coconut flakes.  Happy trails!

Tue, 01/03/2012 - 19:14 — BlueCascade

I went to therapy, for eight years. My therapist, and an online support group, were my only options, for talking freely about my abuse. My husband, "couldn't" hear it, and it was inappropriate to talk to my kids about it much... My daughter was still a teen, and my son away in the Air Force. We need to express and feel our emotions, in order to heal... And unfortunately, the worse the abuse... The more we have to work through. There were times, in my therapy sessions, I would ask my therapist, if she was tired of hearing about it... Truth be told, I was tired of hearing myself... But it was necessary, in order for me to move forward, I had to go from being almost totally numb, to feeling EVERYTHING.... And I had to talk through it. That is one reason places like this are so helpful. Healing Sisters, is a safe, anonymous place for us to talk about our feelings. No one, except a trained therapist, has the ability to hear, all we have to say... And say... And say... And say again. Our families, and friends, simply are not equipped to hear it, as much as we need to talk about it... In order for us to heal. Use this site as another way to get some of the feelings out. We understand, and most of us are far enough in our healing, to know how to "put this away", when we are feeling vulnerable. If you need to write about the ugly stuff, just put, "May Trigger" somewhere, in the beginning of your post, so more vulnerable sisters will know to move on, if they are not in a healthy enough place to, "go there". Thank-you for posting, and please don't ever worry about posting too much... That is why Healing Sisters is/are here.

Wed, 01/04/2012 - 16:48 — chocoholic

Thanks for sharing more with us!  I don't think you add to our sadness if you respond in a post.  The more we have in common, the better we all feel because we are not alone.  There are others here that understand what we're going through.  I know that sometimes it can be triggering to read other stories ~ so take care of yourself and only read what you can.   Share what you want because this is the best place to do it.  Just like BlueCascade said below, my therapist and online support group are my only options for sharing.  And it feels good to release the poison to others.  I tend to try and shield my family from my pain.  When I share with my husband he doesn't always know what to say back to me.  If he says the wrong thing it can be damaging.  So I save it for my therapist.  Take care of yourself and share whenever you're ready.  We're here and we're listening.  The trail mix sounds awesome!!  Thanks for sharing!!

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.