I learned to validate myself

Survivors understand, when one of our own, talks about feeling numb.  We get it when we hear someone talk, or write, about feeling "outside" ourselves, feeling "disconnected",  not present.

I remember the first time someone told me, "It wasn't your fault"... "You are not alone"... "Others, have been here too, and they have healed".  These words, wormed their way, into the fog, I was living in, and started to make an impact.  I objected, of course.  After accusing myself, my entire life... if you didn't... if you would have... it wouldn't have been as bad... it wouldn't have happened as often... you wouldn't have had as many people do that to you.  It took a long time, for me to change the incriminating, self talk, to words of compassion, for the different parts of me that were harmed, but I did.

I may never, be at peace, with the necessity, of panic attacks, flashbacks, and body memories, during my healing process, but I do understand the importance of them.  When I felt... truly felt, what the five year old went through, it was brutal, and evil, but I began to understand.  When the hopelessness, and despair, of the 13 year old, taken to her first foster home, filtered through, and I was able to feel it, I was able to start defending, instead of blaming her.  When I realized the abuse started, before I could talk... I could no longer blame that baby.... me, they were all me.

My therapist was my first defender.  Like a defense lawyer, cross examining an accuser, she challenged every argument I made.  What about the time, we were at a family reunion, I was playing with my cousins, laughing and having fun... I was being too loud.  My uncles took notice, and took me to that room... I now had to... before I could join the others again.  If I had just stayed quiet... if I hadn't been laughing... If I had just stayed in the background...  After it was over, that is exactly what I did.  I was quiet, and watched... I didn't play with my cousins, again that day, and they wondered what was wrong with me... some of them "knew", but were relieved it wasn't them, that time.  My therapist asked me questions... How old were you?... Have you seen children that age playing before?  Would you blame them, if adults took them away, and insisted they... ?  I would say, "I was different... I wasn't like other kids... I did something more... for some reason, my play caused the abuse... other kids... they just are better than I was.

I see my words now, and remember.  I am sad for the child I was, and the adult who blamed herself, for the acts committed against her.  Years of therapy, we, my therapist and I, talked over the flashbacks, my memories, my feelings.  One by one, we discussed, these things.  I cried, every time I saw her.  I felt what that 3 year old felt.  I felt, what all the parts of me felt.  I blamed her, myself, but listened to the defense.  I started to hope.... maybe it wasn't my fault.  Then I got angry... IT WASN'T MY FAULT.  I would get sad.... why had I blamed myself for so long?

It took a long time, to "listen" to the experiences, all my parts had endured.  I was able to find my parts, and put them back together.  I know it wasn't my fault.  I know it has happened to others before me.  I know it is possible to heal.  I now validate myself, and all the parts of me that were fragmented, lost, found, and integrated.  I know, that only I, can truly validate myself... but I needed to be shown how.  I had to "feel", before I would accept, and understand, my innocence.  I know I am strong, if I wasn't I wouldn't be here.  I know I am a good person, I try to use my experiences to help others.  I am different, but aren't we all.  I can still be harsh with myself at times, but I know now to defend myself.  I am still tough, with myself when I need to be... I know I will feel better, if I get my exercise, eat better, and get my bathroom cleaned up:) .  I give myself a pass too.  I did catch a cold, maybe today,  I can read, and drink tea.