Anger, for me

Anger, when used as a tool, can be very helpful in healing.  I don't know why this subject, can still be so triggering for me, but I will try and work through it.  I am healing, after all... I wonder if any survivor can be healed.

When I started down the path of actively healing, the path was crowded with anxiety, then a deep fear, and horrifying flashbacks... depression, then a type of lethargy that made it difficult, and sometimes almost impossible to even get out of bed.

When I started getting moments of anger, my first reaction was unrealistic feelings of guilt.  I would stuff that emotion... anger... down so far, I would feel helpless, and vulnerable.  I had to work through those feelings of guilt... (why did anger make me feel guilty?) before I could really feel the anger.

I am a spiritual person, and my therapist... her name is Karen Logan, used that spirituality to help me heal.  She would talk of righteous indignation.  As a child, any time I would show any type of anger, I was punished... my parents were religious, and would use twisted examples of why MY anger was wrong...for me, anger was a thing to be avoided, and feared.

For some reason, I was still able to get angry at injustices perpetrated against other people, and Karen helped me use that as a place to start.  She told me that what I was feeling was righteous indignation.  She used the example of the story of Jesus, in the temple, with the money changers.  Jesus was a good person, and he was not only angry, he was furious.  The people were using the temple for monetary gain.  He even got physical, he turned over their tables, and used a whip to chase them from the premises.  If JESUS could get angry, and he was a good person, why couldn't I?  

From there we talked about the bad things that happen to other people.  The acts of violence and perversion, perpetrated against innocent victims everywhere.  My first reaction, was deep sadness, and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness... hopelessness... but then a hint of anger... then a sense of defiance.  They... the people who do harm... have no right to do these things to others... they had no right to do those things to me.  My sadness, and anger were stirred.

It was not only ok to be angry at the actions that harm other people, but to be furious at what was done to me.  Several years ago, in the middle of winter, I began to feel it, and I was mad... 

I still couldn't look at the anger I felt toward my dad.... but my grandfather (mothers father, who abused me in a less severe way) was free game.  I went hiking.  It was freezing cold outside, but this energy got me practically running uphill.  I was angry... I started thinking about how, what my grandfather did to my mother, made it less likely she would try and protect me, how she looked away from what my dad, and others (including her dad) were doing to me, because of how he justified what he did to her.  I was angry at her, because the abuse I suffered made me over protect my kids, and she turned her head away from me.... she could have done the right thing, but was too cowardly.  I was worthy of love, and protection, like every child harmed.....  I went on and on... I was raging, at my mom, at my grandfather, at my uncles, at my aunt, at Mr. Green, a friends dad who assaulted me at a birthday sleepover... at the man my dad shared me with from our church.  It was icy, and I reached an area in the trail that normally takes over an hour to reach, in half the time.

This anger gave me energy... it made things crystal clear... I saw things more realistically than I ever had before.  I was the child... it was their job to protect me... I was powerless, I did whatever I could to survive.  The guilt and shame were not mine... they belonged squarely on the shoulders of those who hurt me, and those who did nothing to prevent it.

I cried all the way home.  I was so sad for the little girl I was, and for the potential world that was denied to me.  I learned how empowering anger can be.  Anger gives me energy.  If I find myself a place where I can feel the darkness descend, IF, I can summon my anger, I can drag myself out.

Anger is never good, when used to harm others, or yourself.  Use your anger for good... use it to get that job you deserve, that safe home you need.  Use it to say good-by to those who would keep you down.  Use anger to bring yourself up to where you deserve to be.  Am I saying this to my healing sisters, or am I saying this to myself?  A little bit of both I guess.

I was never able to summon up a lot of anger toward my dad.  What he did to me was too awful, it is hard for me to go there, even now.  I am ok though.  He was not able to keep me down... in that way I won.  If my words can help a few others, than at least I become part of the light.