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Leaving the Monster Behind

Wed, 02/22/2012 - 17:31 — karen e fennell

Perpetrator, abuser, tormentor, rapist, pedophile, predator.  Or in other words, priest, babysitter, brother, uncle, aunt, grandfather, neighbor, father.  They are our monsters.  How long must we fear the monster?

life goes on

gracioushealing's picture
Wed, 02/22/2012 - 08:43 — gracioushealing

So I will be 40 tomorrow. Tired. That's 40 for me. Tired to even write about it.

Sitting here right now I feel that God is far away and so is any friend. My one friend who moved can't come to visit for my b-day b/c her abusive husband won't let her use the car right now. He abuses her verbally. Controlling too.

that's it

gracioushealing's picture
Tue, 02/21/2012 - 12:27 — gracioushealing

I am tired of having to crawl through the desert on my hands and knees, repenting, to paraphrase a Mary Oliver poem.

I can't pay for my life anymore. I can't feel so worthless, or guilty, or deserving of nothing, not even my own dreams or happiness. I can't make up anything to anybody. I can't feel as if I do not deserve to be alive.

I AM HERE AND I DESERVE TO BE ALIVE.

AND HAPPY.

That's it.

Anyone know how to make peace with internal termoil ???

Mon, 02/20/2012 - 19:32 — Sue

My dad was rushed to the hospital late last night. My mom and I get there,a little while later my youngest brother shows up,not long afterwards we go into the back of the E.R. My dad crashed. They have to intubate him,he can't breath on his own. Mom o.k.'s it,so they do it. Not long afterwards my oldest brother walks in. What is the first thing he does,comes over and rubs my back. So,what do I do,FREEZE!!!!! I can't deal with the person who abused me touching me and instead of moving,hitting him,whatever,I freeze!!!

incest kills

gracioushealing's picture
Mon, 02/20/2012 - 09:54 — gracioushealing

I am being crippled by emotional and financial stress. I am very paranoid after years of living close to my abuser. It's an effing hell. I flinch now anytime looks at me. I am very close to ending my life. I HAVE HAD TOO MUCH. I am beyond angry. I am full of RAGE.

Sensitive

Tina's picture
Sun, 02/19/2012 - 19:56 — Tina

I have been reading comments on here about sisters being "offended" by comments others make.  I too, have felt offended by  comments by another sister.  My thought is that I am so sensitive, and sometimes take offense when none was really intended.  I do feel that what everyone on this site has to say is important.  I also need it to be a safe place to share my feelings and thoughts or whatever I need to express.   It is ok to make a mistake too ... I make them every day.  So ..

offended

Sun, 02/19/2012 - 11:52 — jjmom68

I am offended by some of the comments that have been directed towards me on this site. I wish you all luck on your journey of healing but I will not be checking in as regularly as I was because of the offending comments. I took particular offense to one comment that implied that I didn't need to give advice because I wasn't a therapist but rather tell about my experience. I was offended by that comment because the person who posted it didn't look at all the comments shared between the person posting the original comment and I in the past and I was building on those comments.

FEELING LOST

Sun, 02/19/2012 - 07:23 — Sue

Feeling like I'm on auto pilot,not sure where to go or what to do. Trying so, so hard to battle the evil in my head,but not feeling like I'm winning at all. It just never stops. I dream about it,I see it when I'm awake,it is always there. In the last two months or so,with the help from my therapist,for the very first time in my life,I was able to sleep.

BREAKDOWN

Fri, 02/17/2012 - 12:33 — Sue

Well, had a hell of a day,COMPLETE breakdown in work this morning!!!!! Right IN front of my manager,someone I'm NOT safe with. What is that??!!!!!!!! I am feeling so overwhelmed and cornered ,and by not knowing where any of this is going,unbelievably helpless!!!! I really don't know how much more I can take. I am trying so hard to keep my head above water but I feel like I'm getting my but kicked. My head is such a mess!!!!!

Tracy's Book

Tina's picture
Fri, 02/17/2012 - 10:29 — Tina

I just picked up your book Tracy (last night)  at the local Library where I live in Vancouver, BC, Canada.  I was stunned and horrified at what you endured.  The thought that comes to me this morning is that if your father had done those things to a young girl  "outside of your home" and been reported and/or caught,  just once even, he would have been in jail for a very long time.

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About Stacey Lannert

Stacey is free. In January 2009, Missouri Governor Matt Blunt commuted her sentence of life without parole. She is currently speaking out about sexual abuse and sharing her message of love, healing and forgiveness.

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